So, my life used to be nothing but grief. The first few days, months, and even years after losing my husband to sudden death, were filled with grief, almost 24/7. I was always in pain, always crying or trying really hard not to cry, always overcome with emotions and overwhelming intense darkness. Every part of my days and my nights were taken over by grief and loss.
Now, 5 years later, life is life again. There are days, months, moments, that are still filled with grief - but there are also many moments filled with other things. Love, laughter, friends, accomplishments, dreams, and feelings of excitement and fear about the future.
But right now, today, and for the next few months at least, my life is once again overloaded with grief and loss. Not because I am grieving 24/7, or because I am in a place of tremendous grief, but because I am WRITING about grief 24/7 lately.
I just moved back to my home state of Massachusetts last month, and Im staying with my parents in their home. I did this because NYC life was killing me financially, and I couldnt do it anymore. Couldnt survive. Mom and dad offered me a safe haven with no worries of rent or bills, to come and live, and to spend all my time focusing on writing my book. The one about me and Don, and our love story, and what it was like to lose him, and my life after losing him. So Im treating that like a full time job, and trying to write Monday - Friday on a schedule as much as possible.
About a month ago, I landed a writing job for the TV network and women's site LOVE TV. They hired me to write 4-5 pieces per month, about my experiences as a widowed person in love, sex, dating, and being single.
I write for Widows Voice, right here each Friday. Which I absolutely love.
And now, on March 31st, in NYC, I will be giving a TED talk, on , what else? Grief! So Im trying to write and create my talk.
The point is, ITS A LOT OF WRITING. And while Im thankful as hell for it, my brain is on overload, and some days I feel like screaming: 'I CANNOT WRITE ONE MORE WORD ABOUT DEATH!!!!! ENOUGH WITH THE DEATH!!!!" And at the same time, sometimes in the same overlapping moment, I think to myself about how this is meeant to be for me, and how this is what Im meant to do with my 'life after Don" portion of life. So, Im not in any way saying that I wish to NOT do all this writing. Im just saying - its a lot. And sometimes my brain turns off, or gets scrambled, or makes no sense. And I cant write one more word about loss or death or grief.
Like right now.
I promise to have a post next week, that will be a lot less lame.
I absolutely love words. I have a love affair with words.
now and then,
words fail me.