Open

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My life is much different from many of my loved ones.


I find myself traveling 1/3 of the year.


I happily sleep with two (furry) men each night I'm home.


No one gets on my back for the dishes sitting in the sink a bit too long or the dirty clothes on the floor.

I thoroughly enjoy my solitude (i.e. meditation, reading, playing fetch, watching clouds pass,etc.).


That's just to name a few of my realities ( I guess not noting the obvious...I'm a 27-year-old widow...ooops...add that!).


In the first few years after Michael's death, many (ok...nearly all) were worried about me....


Worried about me being alone.


Worried if I'd drink too much.


Worried that I'd never come out of the deep hole that my grief and self had been thrown into.


Worried that I'd kill myself.


The "remedies" and "prescriptions" came flowing in from all those around.


Not out of ill will...more out of not knowing what else to do.


I remember looking into their eyes and seeing a pain for the life I was living. I saw their fear of ever having to imagine it ever being their fate one day.


I felt their pity.


I felt their gratitude (that it wasn't them).


I felt their lack of control of changing what they could not.


But then, and now 6 years later, I have held onto something that my soul and heart know.


A knowledge that is as pure as my eternal love for Michael.


The knowledge (and now the power) of knowing that what others have seen as an empty life (after his death).


I have known to be an opening for me to find, persevere, rise, fall, and create my life after tragic death.


Empty is just another word for OPEN.


Open to life.


Open to fear.


Open to happiness.


Open to failure.


Open to all that has occurred.


Open to all that will occur.


Remember that. Find power in that. Feel peace in that.


So as I enter our home, 6 years later. Uncork a 91 point wine. Watch an amazing film. Feel gratitude for the day that has passed and the roof over my head. I live and feel the knowledge of knowing that one man's empty, is another man's sanctuary.


And my heart feels grateful. Content. Overflowing. Blessed. Strong.

 


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