One Month Till One Year

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One month till one year, it’s difficult to find the words. Disbelief sums it up well. Disbelief that only one year ago we were living out our dreams together, both so insanely happy and in love. Never could I have imagined our happiness was just a mere month from being ripped away. Its eleven months today. On this day last year he was at work and I remember as though it were present time, the giddy butterflies and how much love I felt for him. I couldn’t help but send him multiple messages throughout the day because I missed him every second that we were not together.

 

“Not much longer till I get to kiss your lips! It’s my favourite part of the day”

 

“I love you for all that you are, all that you have been and all you are yet to become. You are my everything, always and forever. I get butterflies just writing a text msg to you! Im so in love with you, I can’t wait to see you xoxox”  

 

These were two of the many texts I sent him on this day last year. 

If I had of known what was to happen one month from when I sent those messages…

There isn’t a thing that could have prepared me. There is not a thing I would have changed! Because it was the happiest time in both of our lives. To have that happiness taken away in just a day… Well we all know what that feels like.

 

I’ve been replaying the day before he passed over and over in my head and the thoughts of that day bring my anxiety. Although I know reality and I’ve lived reality for almost a year, the impending date still cuts at me. Life is no longer a fairy tale, the days are filled with many emotions, at the moment mostly fear and anxiety. And to so many people it’s just another day, I have tried to look at it that way. But it’s not just another day, it will never be just another day. It’s impossible to see it that way! There is so much pain surrounding that day. The darkest day of my life! Leading up to it, the intensity of my emotions grow and I begin to feel the same feelings I felt with not knowing where he was, wondering why he wasn’t home from work, why wasn’t he answering his phone. The anxiety is intense, just remembering that afternoon. Then going to bed not knowing where he was or if he was ok. I had called the police and the hospital, all of our friends. No one knew anything. Until 1am on the 3rd of December, I will never forget a single detail about either of those days!

 

Just as nothing could have prepared me for losing him, I know nothing can prepare me for the one year anniversary of losing him. So I will expect the worst and hope for the best. “The healing from pain, is in the pain” Rumi


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  • commented 2016-11-06 07:53:18 -0800
    Sweet girl, these pictures broke my heart. Im the Friday here on here, and been reading your posts and I just want to hug you. Im at 5 years now, and Iremember the 11 month mark, the one year mark, so well … and how awful it was, and how surreal it was, and how I replayed everything leading up to “the day” for 2 months before. Please know you will not be in this place forever. It will change and shift and not always be this hard and this raw pain all the time. My husbands death was sudden also.Here one second, gone the next. It will never make sense to me. Not ever. But Rumi is right. the healing from the pain is in the pain. Sending you love.
  • commented 2016-11-05 15:18:18 -0700
    Kaiti I am so very sorry. Sorry we all have to relive those days. I would like to think they’ll get better with time, but after 5 years my memories of that horrible day are as sharp and clear as if it was yesterday. The anxiety leading up to it has eased somewhat which is a bit of a relief. I guess it’s a testament to the depth of the love we shared, and that you two shared. Wishing you peace on this, and all future, anniversaries.

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