Once upon a time I had a perfect life. Maybe not the life everyone wanted but it was so very perfect to me. I have never been one to want a lot. Having a healthy family with a home was always enough for me. We always enjoyed doing things together and lived in every moment.
When that all changed I told myself to just be grateful that I had it at one point in life. Some people never have true love. Some people never get to have a family. I was blessed, even if it ended.
After some time went by people started asking the question I knew was coming, when I was going to start dating. I didn’t want to date, I wanted to be married to my husband. I knew he wasn’t coming back but I didn’t feel like that should change my level of commitment to him. I felt very strongly about this. I had love, I knew what pure happiness was, and I was good alone.
And here I sit, a year and a half later and I feel like a traitor. I have allowed someone to come into my life and make me smile. At times this is all too much for me. I wanted to be alone forever. I wanted to die a widow. But life is still moving and the universe is still giving.
These are the dark thoughts, the late night one on one sessions with myself. I know it’s okay to move forward and to allow yourself to be happy. But it’s hard, the what ifs are there. But there are light thoughts too, actually really happy thoughts. I have seen and read a lot of things on dating and moving forward but I want to share all sides of my journey.
I am 32 years old and I am starting all over. It’s scary, I don’t know how to date. And I always thought why anyone would want to date me. I have four kids, that’s enough to scare most away. And yet this one person is still here loving every minute of my crazy life.
So the conclusion I have come to is this, I think it’s time to be happy again. I think its ok to love someone else. After all it’s all parallel. I know my grief is still there it doesn’t matter what other things are happening in my life. I think I fear if people know I have started to see someone they will think I have left Joey behind. This is not the case at all. There is so much judgement and even from my own family. It’s an adjustment for everyone. My daughter cried when she realized that this man was not just my friend when I asked her why she said because I am married to her daddy. And she doesn’t want a new one. That’s a hard pill to swallow, it makes me want to go back to just being alone.
But then my heart smiles when I see him and I feel at home with him. So I continue to move forward with him. It’s a huge battle of tug of war. The fear and the past against the love and the future. I think if I was looking from the outside I would tell me to keep pushing forward and that happiness is what we all deserve.