Oh, the Shame! On THEM~

It was disheartening this week to read of a widow sister who had received a nasty email from friends.  Friends of her husband who became her friends also.  She thought they were still friends after his death but their email made clear to her that they want nothing to do with her.  She thrived on the drama of widowhood, they said, because of the attention it brought to her.

Early on in my widowhood someone I didn’t know but whom I suspect was somehow connected to Chuck’s ex, accused me, upon learning of my intent to write a book about our love story, upon learning that it was my goal to some day present a program about our hospice time, about our time together, that person felt the need to email me and accuse me of profiting off of my marriage to him.  She reminded me, in an accusing manner, that he’d had a first wife and child, you know!  And various other things that were equally idiotic and had nothing to do with anything.

A woman I considered a friend, a woman I’d counseled in past years after her mom’s death and through an abusive relationship, messaged me and said you’re not the only one who ever lost anyone, you know.  You just need to paste a smile on your face and fake it.  This was a mere 2 months after my entire world incinerated, mind you.

I let go willingly and happily of a 45-year friendship that was not a friendship at all, apparently, upon realizing that this so-called friend was blind as to who I am as a person, who attacked Chuck with ugly words and accusations, and was much more interested in the impact my widowhood had on her life than she was in how it impacted my life.

None of us are new to such ignorant people and the ugly words that spew forth from their ugly souls.  Many, if not most, of us, have heard such drivel and it’s impossible to comprehend the reason why people feel compelled to use words as knives and drive them into our hearts and souls.

The drama of widowhood.  Seeking attention.  Endlessly talking gasp! about our husbands and the life we lived with them and how much we miss that life, how much we miss them, how difficult it is to find our footing again.

How dare we not be who we were before?  Or, if we can't be that same person, please just fade away into the darkness, thank you very much.

Get on with life, move along, move on, be happy, it’s a choice to be sad, do this, don’t do this, do that, don’t do that…what don’t we hear?

Three years and eight months into this, I’ve long let go of the dare I call them assholes who clearly have no clue at all about the impact of widowhood.  No clue as to what the greatest loss is for us, never mind the mind-blowing secondary losses that pop up constantly like a bad whack-a-mole game. None of which make me want sympathy, mind you.  A little empathy does, however, go a long way.  Barring that, being left alone also does the trick.

We, as widows, need a very thick skin to navigate our new world.  We need to learn to walk that fine line of keeping our hearts open while establishing healthy emotional boundaries.  We learn new skills out of necessity, we push our comfort zones, we parent solo, we talk about our person because we know it is crucial to going through the grief, we weep, we laugh, we dance, we hide under the covers, we do shit we never imagined doing and we do it all with grief as an all too familiar companion while also often struggling financially, having to change domiciles, find new jobs, etc.

Really, you know what I say to those who so easily criticize, to those who are quick with their accusations of drama and attention seeking?

How dare YOU?  And also, and I say this with respect...fuck off.


Showing 10 reactions

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  • commented 2016-12-16 10:46:30 -0800
    Just had a chance to read this, and , THANK YOU!!!! It still is shocking to me what was said in that email, and why anyone would say that to someone else is beyond me. They could have just as easily stopped communicating with me and left it alone. But to go out of your way to say cruel things like that? Who does that?
  • commented 2016-12-16 01:33:57 -0800
    Girl, you go!! My BIL told me to take 15 min a day to grieve my husband and move in about my life. Fuck him! A house guest in his 20s…Mr. Know it all medical field studefield we do not have a spouse in Heaven. So, I should just forget about my husband because he is gone. Forget thatfield move in and find me somebody else. Fuck him.! I wanted to murder him but that would not be nice. He was lucky his visit was up. I find it hard to shake off the grief being childless, away from family in another city and the family has their agenda that kept right in after the funeral was over… As if I have died too….no phone calls it visits…. So I fill totally weird. And they don’t get it why I don’t go in holidays to visit. Not invited for 1/ and I am not going to invite myself when you have not called me for a personal talk since he died 3, years ago. His sister talks if him nine!! My sister told me to shut up using his name so much. That did me in!! My oldest sister wants to know my $ status and after I told her I had nothing she left me alone. I lied. Fuck them too, respectfully, Me!!
  • commented 2016-12-15 09:43:20 -0800
    Reading this and the comments below make me realize how lucky I’ve been to have friends and family that have NOT said such tactless and stupid comments to me since my husband died 2 1/2 years ago. Who those people you speak of think they are – how dare they indeed! But I was just talking with a friend yesterday who was recently widowed and she has had more than one friend (and I use that term lightly) say that its time to move on. Alison I love the last sentence – the fact that you say it with respect makes it so much more effective and I confess it made me laugh out loud. And Jane Doy, I love your comment! Oh to be a fly on the wall when you say that.
  • commented 2016-12-15 02:25:34 -0800
    I totally agree. I have lost some dear (I thought) friends once I became a widow. No one understands until it happens to them. My hope is that Karma pays them a visit once it happens to them and they remember how they crushed our friendship with the lack of understanding and caring they showed to me I love the last sentence, however, my fuck off comes with no respect – as they have shown none to me!
  • commented 2016-12-14 20:10:17 -0800
    Thank you so much for your respnse Jane! I’m going to use that line next time.
  • commented 2016-12-14 19:52:53 -0800
    When someone pisses me off such as what you experienced I always give them the rude awakening statement! NO ONE is invincible from death! Enjoy your time because death can come at any time! The look is priceless!
  • followed this page 2016-12-14 19:36:50 -0800
  • commented 2016-12-14 18:32:54 -0800
    I had a "friend " who said I had a choice to remain a widow. Really? All I concentrated on was raising my two children, then 15 and 10, never thinking about myself. Fuck her!!
  • commented 2016-12-14 15:16:11 -0800
    You wrote the words I so often say in my head … “You have no idea. So fuck off.” Thanks for that
  • commented 2016-12-14 14:38:49 -0800
    BRAVO! People who have never walked this path will never know how hard it is.