Not Enough

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Since my husband’s suicide in July 2010, I have struggled with feeling likeI was not enough.

 

I was not enough to keep my husband alive.

 

I have felt that if I was a better friend, a better wife, a better support system, my husband would still be alive.

Realizing that sometimes love is NOT enough.. is devastating.

 

What happened to all we need is love?

 

Three years later I struggle with feeling like I am not enough for the world around me.

 

Until recently I didn't realize how shattering my husband’s suicide was to my self esteem.

 

It now keeps me from being able to have a new relationship.

 

Because I’m not enough.. they will leave me, in the ultimate way.. suicide.

 

Feeling like I am not enough for anyone has left me looking at my future.. looking at a future that is alone and empty.

 

I remind myself that Seth did truly love me. Anyone that knew Seth always said I was his world. You could see it in the way he looked at me.

 

I remind myself that we loved each other deeply.. that our love was not an illusion.

 

What’s hard to swallow is that bipolar had a stronger grasp on my husband then I did. No matter how hard I pulled and pushed, bipolar always had the upper hand.

 

Tomorrow would have been our eight year wedding anniversary. Instead of showering my husband with love and affection, I am left with just the memories and broken dreams.

 

I want to love deeply. I want to give deeply. But how do I break the broken record in my head? The one that tells me you are not enough.

 

 

How does one “forget” and move forward?

 

(picture: The way Seth looked at me, reminds me that I was his entire world)


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