New Love, This Love

So, almost exactly 6 years after my husband's sudden death, and after about 2 years of endless dating and even more endless heartache, I have met someone. Not just someone. THE one. Or, as Michele refers to love after loss: "my next great love." He has finally arrived, and isn't it about damn time? 

It is very early on in our relationship (2 weeks and 2 days, to be exact), but neither of us has ever experienced this type of "knowing" that it's love, or this kind of intense and yet HEALTHY chemistry. Feelings have developed fast, but nothing feels rushed or forced or unnatural in any way. Plus, it is the kind of relationship where we both are inspired by the other to strive to be the very best version of ourselves that we can be. He is not widowed, but he knows of loss. He has had multiple losses in his life, and hardships, and so we are both in this place of experiencing new things together. For the first time. 

 

Its such a strange feeling. I have been in love before. My husband was my best friend, my forever love. But I am different now. I have crawled out of the grief of this loss as a different person than the one I was when I married Don. Pieces of me still exist, sure. The core of me is there. But so much about me is darker. More aware. More enlightened. Empathetic. No tolerance for people who dont support me. No patience for anyone who doesnt have my back. A deep appreciation for life as we know it, and for tiny little moments, which are actually the stuff of life. 

So, new love, THIS love, feels different. It IS different. I am in it, with the awareness that things and people I love can vanish into thin air and disappear into nothing, any time they feel like it and for no reason whatsoever. I feel every kiss, every sadness, every hug, every bite of ice-cream, every note of music, with all the fragments and corners of my soul. I say the words "I love you" over and over and over. I cant stop. I just want to keep saying it, because what if one day, I cant? What if, one morning, I wake up, and there are no more I love you's to say? What if this insane joy all goes away, before we even get a chance to live it? All of this terrifies me. But I cant let it rule my world. It took me this long to get to this place. It took years to be able to feel this kind of love again, and also, for the very first time. 

New Love. 

This Love. 

 

Its here. 

And Im going to sit with it,

and marinade in it,

for a very long time to come. 


Showing 5 reactions

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  • commented 2017-07-12 09:36:12 -0700
    I’ve met my ‘next love’ half a year after losing my husband. We’ve been together a year now and even got married (yeah, it was fast) but I still feel like I’m unintentionally holding myself back from him and hurting him because I still miss my first love. He’s even confessed sometimes he feels like a second fiddle to someone who’s not even alive anymore. It’s hard to find the balance between grieving and missing the first with loving and living with the second.

    I feel like a different person. I’m not the same person I used to be and I’m still adjusting to that. I think who we’re with can help define who we are. And I’m trying to get used to this new ‘me’ and shape my identity.

    My second husband is wonderful. He’s patient, caring and loving. He accepts me for who I am and has helped me shoulder the emotional baggage I’ve been carrying since my first husband died. I love him entirely for it and I want to live a life with him. I know I love him right back. I get jealous when I see pictures of him and his ex together and I love doing things for him, from silly stuff like randomly massaging his neck to cooking him dinner to being a pillar of support. Still, sometimes I feel reserved and my mind is elsewhere, trying to relive my first marriage.

    If someone has advice on how to balance widowhood with a new love after it, I’d love to hear it.
  • commented 2017-07-05 04:18:52 -0700
    This makes me SOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!! Fantastic news Kelley!!!! I have been praying for this to happen. God’s timing is always perfect.
  • commented 2017-07-03 14:52:33 -0700
    Yay! Yay! Yay! You are right….live in the now, here, fully present, and enjoy it. I was divorced but when I find my now husband it was quick, full of life and love and right. When you’ve been through so much there is a knowledge of what you want and deserve at this point that you don’t have the first time around just because it was the first time. Enjoy!!!
  • commented 2017-07-02 11:33:16 -0700
    Doing my happy dance for you, Kelley!
  • commented 2017-06-30 18:24:07 -0700
    So very happy for you, Kelley! I am in my next great love and you described it perfectly!