My Goodbye Post

wedding.jpgI found Soaring Spirits the day after my husband died from depression.  I googled the term 'suicide widow' - reeling from shock that these strange words were now something I needed to make sense of.

One of the links that I clicked contained the heart-felt words from a young widow named Melinda who had also lost her darling husband Sean to depression and was sharing her story to help others, like me.  

Melinda's words connected me to a community that would save me from losing my mind. I sat for hours, reading back through her past entires, devouring the words that I so needed to hear.

Every night, for well over a year, I would read this daily blog before going to bed, to remind myself that I wasn't alone. There were other brave men and women who had walked this path before me and, like them, I too would find my way. One day, the relentless ache would ease. The sadness that sat in my stomach would lift and I'd start to enjoy living again, rather than feeling lost in the fog of grief.  

Six month after Dan died, when I was invited to write for this blog myself, I was honoured that Soaring Spirits founder Michele thought that I had the ability to help others, the same way Melinda had helped me. I was nervous about the idea of sharing my story and baring my soul but I'd had seen first hand the power of hope and how the connection between widowed people had bought light where there was nothing but darkness.
I have been honoured to share my story with you however today I am saying goodbye and stepping down to make room for another brave young woman to take my place. 

I will miss writing for Widows Voice. There is something incredibly therapeutic about sitting down at the keyboard each week and 'checking in' with myself.  Asking myself how I'm feeling, what has challenged me this week, what feelings are new or what am I proud of.  I've had some very powerful moments of self-discovery writing for this blog and I treasure the people Soaring Spirits has bought into my life.  

However, at the three year mark, I'm starting to feel like the word 'widow' no longer defines me in a way it once did. It's a word I think represents great strength, wisdom and bravery. Some of my favourite people are widows, I'm certainly not ashamed of the label or shy away from using it.  But for so long, a widow was ALL I identified as.  It was the single biggest part in my world.

Today, that is not the case. I now think of myself as a friend, a sister, a daughter, an aunt and a girlfriend. I am in love again; I live and work in the city and enjoy my weekends; I am passionate about life and excited about my future. I dream about one day being a wife again and hopefully a mother. My cup is full and while I'll always be Dan's widow, a badge I will wear with honour, I'm ready for so much more. 

Today, when I googled 'suicide widow', the posts that I've written for Soaring Spirits were the third result that show up. I dream of living in a world where no one is widowed from suicide but I know this is an unrealistic dream. So I hope that those who find themselves in that same situation I was in three years ago will find this blog and also connect to this wonderful community. 

Thank you for reading along with me and for all the comments that have shown my words have helped and that I'm not alone, giving me hope in return. 

Please help me to welcome Kaiti Wallace, a fellow Aussie widow that I met after she lost the love of her life in December last year when she was only 27.  Kaiti is a beautiful writer and I'm excited that she has agreed to take over as the Saturday Widows Voice writer, from next week.  


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  • commented 2017-07-18 05:59:17 -0700
    Everyone feels lonely when they lost their loved ones in life. I have read the many reasons about depression at https://www.essaywritingland.com//buy-essays-online/. Most of the people are getting into depression when they lost everything in their life.
  • commented 2016-08-04 12:35:22 -0700
    Will miss you so much Rebecca… U were to me what Melinda was to you!!!!Although my husband died of a road accident and not suicide….. You were my source of hope!!!! We met at camp widow at San Diego this year!!!! I wish you great joy and happiness in this new life….. And I’m sure Dan is looking down and he is so proud and happy 😊 for you!!!! Thank you for sharing your life!
  • commented 2016-08-04 12:35:19 -0700
    Will miss you so much Rebecca… U were to me what Melinda was to you!!!!Although my husband died of a road accident and not suicide….. You were my source of hope!!!! We met at camp widow at San Diego this year!!!! I wish you great joy and happiness in this new life….. And I’m sure Dan is looking down and he is so proud and happy 😊 for you!!!! Thank you for sharing your life!
  • commented 2016-07-31 08:33:44 -0700
    I really enjoyed reading your blogs – but haven’t really responded to any. You will be missed her on the Widowed Voice but wish you much happiness in your journey and happy that you are in love again.
  • commented 2016-07-30 06:48:21 -0700
    Rebecca… Though I didn’t respond much, I have always looked forward to Saturday. I will miss you very much…. I read your blogs through tears as you struggled with Dan’s death by suicide…as my father died by suicide when I was 18 … I struggled much like you and have spent a good deal of my life…(I am now 62) teaching about depression as an illness and how it is just like every serious illnesses with fatal outcomes possible… And I’ve studied much about the suicidal mindset in trying to understand what must have been going through my father’s….he was only 50…and was so smart and had a lot going for him….

    I found this blog after my John died 4 years ago from complications of a bone marrow transplant ..and I fell in love with it….what a Godsend it has been and still is for me… Though I have just remarried…. moved….etc.
    My new husband was a widower and I have shared writings, including yours, with him and he gets a lot out of them too.
    I have shared this site with so many… especially new widows/widowers
    I have been excited to read about your new man in your life… your renting your shared home with Dan….(I have done the same) and moving to the city…
    I hope and pray for all the good things life has to offer to come your way.
    Thank you for your story…your sharing… your talent.
    Linda
  • commented 2016-07-30 00:28:38 -0700
    I will miss you Rebecca. I too began my journey here reading Melinda’s posts. I really needed (and still do) the words of other suicide survivors. But I have watched you grow and wish you happiness and joy in your new life. Much love.

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