For the past few weeks I've been aware of something: I miss me.
Yes, I miss Jim .... still very, very much and still every minute of every day, but I also miss me.
The "before Janine".
I liked her. I liked her humor and her sense of fun. I liked that other people thought she was funny and they enjoyed being around her (mostly).
I liked that she laughed .... a lot.
I miss her sense of joy.
I miss her talkativeness (is that a word?).
I miss the fun she used to have.
I miss the kind of mother she was.
I miss the kind of friend she was.
I miss the daughter and sister that she was.
It's not that I don't like the "after Janine" .... it's just that she seems so very different.
She has some better qualities now. She's kinder and more compassionate.
She's quicker to listen and slower to speak.
She doesn't worry about the future or little things that don't really matter.
She's more grateful for the love in her life ..... from everyone.
But still ..... I miss me.
And I wonder ..... will I ever get some of the "before" stuff back? I know I'll never see the whole "before Janine" again ..... she died the day Jim died.
I've heard several loved ones say that they lost 2 friends that day. Many of them think that the "before" me will return. Some of them understand that she will not.
But I wonder if some of her qualities will come back? I'd like them to.
Especially her sense of fun.
I think I could use a little more fun.
But then, couldn't we all?