Kelley Lynn

When I first lost my husband to sudden death, I knew absolutely nobody that was my age who was widowed. The word "widow" made me cringe, and I ran away from any possibility that it could or would ever apply to me. Then I discovered Soaring Spirits and Camp Widow. Here were these people - hundreds of them - all over the country and the world - who were just like me. They had lost their partners too, and they were hurting and feeling alone too. Except suddenly, none of us were alone anymore, because now we had each other. The widowed community that I have met through Soaring Spirits is a HUGE part of the reason why I am alive and WANTING to be alive today. No joke. My widowed friends save my life over and over and over again, and I love them in a way that is impossible to describe. Soaring Spirits connects widowed people, and when you lose the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with - connection to people who "get it" means everything. My friends in the widowed community are evidence that there is life - joyful life - after loss. They inspire me daily, and I will always pay it forward however I can to Soaring Spirits, for giving me back my life again.

A Widow Wedding Anniversary

It has been six years since my husband's sudden death. 

Next week, October 27th, is my wedding anniversary. 

Again. 

It will be my seventh time going through our wedding anniversary without him here. 

It will be our "would have been 11 years" anniversary. 

I don't feel comfortable saying "it's our 11 year anniversary." 

Because it's not. 

He's dead. 

I'm alive. 

And the law says you can't be married to a dead guy. 

And really, 

it would be kind of creepy to be married to a dead guy. 

But here's the thing ... 

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Word Jumble

Days like today. 

All is fine. 

I have not much to say. 

Birds are singing,

sun is bright, 

autumn has brought her glory. 

Im not feeling particularly sad.

Im in love.

Finally. 

Life is life again, 

and Im not just existing,

anymore. 

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  • commented on An Unwritten Chapter 2016-07-10 10:28:34 -0700
    Its been one of the hardest things for me too, after losing Don. Trying to just BE. Be in the moment, not think ahead or overanalyze. Pull away or cling too much. Just be. Its so very hard. Im over here trying too. lol.

  • commented on Visiting the Past 2016-07-05 12:20:47 -0700
    Yes. A millon times yes to this. This is exactly how I feel whenever Im in Florida, and when Im with “R” there, because he knew him in the early days of us dating each other, and even a bit before I even knew him. And the pics you posted on FB of the sun setting over the helicopter – amazingly poetic and beautiful. I really do believe they come with us and ARE right there with us whenever we choose to live and love. When we remain stagnant, so do they. When we live and love, with the right person, the magic of their souls return to us , piece by piece. We dont get to have them alive again, but it feels a lot further away from the feeling of them just being dead and gone forever. I know you know what I mean. Mommy.

  • commented on My Husband's Son 2016-07-05 12:12:39 -0700
    Wow this made me cry its so beautiful. And your friend is SO right – Cole does look JUST like his dad at that age, and there are pieces of your husband floating around right inside of that little boy. How beautiful and how appropriate. By the way, welcome. Im the Friday writer here – just wanted to officially say hi.

  • commented on On Top of Ole Smoky 2016-07-05 11:58:56 -0700
    So beautiful. And this picture. Wow. This is the very definition of taking your forever love that died, and blending it into every love you feel in your present life. It is all connected, and in that way – when we choose to keep loving, we never REALLY lose them. Yes, they will always be dead and that sucks beyond measure and will NEVER be okay – but to me, they are a hell of a lot “less dead” when we bring them along and keep them alive and honor their life, by living ours and by feeling love. Im so beyond happy to know you and Sarah in this version of life that none of us ever asked for. xoxo

  • commented on The Tsunami of July 2016-07-05 11:51:20 -0700
    Thank you everyone. All of your stories and emotion help so much – it is such a confirmation that none of us are alone, no matter how much we might feel like we are.

  • commented on Rebuilding Together 2016-06-22 17:08:37 -0700
    THank you forr covering for me that day, and this blog piece is awesome. I need to read it again and again to really let it sink in.

  • commented on Cards and Coffee Mugs 2016-06-22 17:06:26 -0700
    YOU ARE DOING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

  • commented on A Letter to My Younger Self 2016-06-12 10:19:52 -0700
    I love you Sarah. This is so beautiful in so many ways, ESPECIALLY coming from the perspective of someone (me) who knew you in those early days of this loss, and who sat on the phone with you many nights, both of us crying and in so much pain and heartbreak. And I just know that Drew and Don are up there somewhere together, flying and laughing and friends in their soul … just like us.

  • commented on Paper Bag 2016-06-10 17:55:00 -0700
    That does help Penny. It always helps to know my thoughts arent completely crazy. I didnt think this one would make much sense to anyone else but me, but I guess it does. Thanks!

  • commented on The Family I Never Knew I Needed 2016-05-28 12:32:53 -0700
    You look gorgeous in this picture, and more importantly, HAPPY! You are glowing. I always love it when I see that glow come back into someones eyes in pictures, including my own pictures, after seeing my eyes so deadened and sad looking for so long. I cant wait to hug you and see you in just a few weeks!!!!

  • commented on A Light In the Dark - My Tribute to Soaring Spirits International 2016-05-28 12:30:38 -0700
    PENNY!!! I am sooo happy to hear this. I am always thrilled whenever my words help to get someone to camp, because I know for a fact that being there changes your world and your heart, and makes things a lot less SUCKY going forward. Make sure that you find me in Toronto and introduce yourself so we can sit down for a drink or something, okay??? This way, you will immediately have at least one friend guaranteed. And believe me, you will walk out of there with many more <3

  • commented on Existence 2016-05-25 21:24:25 -0700
    I love this. You explain your emotions so well, so that I totally understand what is going on inside your brain. Thank you.

  • commented on Pre-planning your Emotional Response to Death...Ain't it Precious? 2016-05-25 11:49:47 -0700
    Brilliant.

  • commented on Unresolved 2016-05-18 08:24:30 -0700
    This is brave and so well written, and I LOVE the last line. This whole thing just shows how nothing is ever REALLY resolved, and life is about always learning and growing and changing, and slowly healing pieces of our past in the love that we find in second chances. I think its awesome that you want to work on these areas of yourself, and its very healthy. Good for you.

  • commented on It Took Me Ten Years 2016-05-16 13:22:08 -0700
    I love this sooooo much, but not as much as I love you, friend. 5 years, and I still hold near and dear to me, certain items and clothing of Don’s, that Im not sure I will ever be ready to part with. And his chair. His old torn-up “Archie Bunker” recliner chair that has made two moves with me so far since his death. I know I will have to let that chair go one day, because I cant keep putting it in moving vans forever – its near death already just sitting in place. And that day will be super hard. But today is not that day. Today, I sit in that chair and feel comfort because he sat there too, so many times.

  • commented on The Big Trigger 2016-05-15 09:55:48 -0700
    Oh my god, I can soooo relate. That week when R wasnt talking to me , did the exact same tthing to me – it brought me right back to “week one, month one, day one, year one, of Don’s death” – right back, like I was transported there again and thought I was there, and my emotions were so confused , all I could do was sob and sob and sob until it hurt. IT WAS AWFUL. Such a trigger and one I didnt expect. It felt like he had just disappeared into thin air and I thought I was never going to talk to him again, that it was just DONE – and then I went back to Don disappearing and my heart got so confused. Oh, it was awful, and scary to think that after almost 5 years, that can happen whenever it feels like it. And like you, the second I heard his voice again (in my case, a week later), it brought me back to reality. I soooo understand this. Its different of course, the details … but I know the exact feeling you are describing. Brave on, my friend. I miss you mommy lol.

  • commented on Taking Another Step Forward 2016-05-14 09:22:45 -0700
    congrats, brave one, and you know that I know just how complex that word really is. Your home is beautiful. Take those memories with you forever, and hold them in your soul. i cannot wait to see you next month !!!!

  • commented on The 5-Year Itch 2016-05-13 10:41:56 -0700
    ROBYN, thats the perfect way to say it, LIKE A TORNADO of all these emotions at once!!!! Yes. Im so glad you decided to comment today, and also happy that my words resonate with you so much. Lets try and navigate this whole 5 year mess together!!!!

  • commented on The Champ 2016-05-12 17:22:59 -0700
    Gosh DIANE Im soooo sorry, you can vent here anytime you want to, you are never alone, we are here , even though we are far away. Im sorry the outside world doesnt get it, they probably never truly will. But we do. Youre going to be okay – eventually. It takes a long time and its very hard, but just keep breathing ….

  • commented on A Letter from Before, and Beyond 2016-05-05 13:06:09 -0700
    Wow wow wow!!!! I think you will know when its time to show her the letter. I think it will be a time when she is going through something, a milestone of growing up , or having her heart broken or being disappointed somehow with something – and in that moment, she will be missing her mom and missing knowing what her mom might have said to her right then. And then you will have that letter. What a beautiful thing.

Kelley is a comedian, writer, actor, and speaker living in NYC. She married her soul-mate and best friend Don, in October of 2006. She was 35, and he was 42. Just over four years later, he would die shockingly from a massive heart-attack. Kelley has turne
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