Kelley Lynn

When I first lost my husband to sudden death, I knew absolutely nobody that was my age who was widowed. The word "widow" made me cringe, and I ran away from any possibility that it could or would ever apply to me. Then I discovered Soaring Spirits and Camp Widow. Here were these people - hundreds of them - all over the country and the world - who were just like me. They had lost their partners too, and they were hurting and feeling alone too. Except suddenly, none of us were alone anymore, because now we had each other. The widowed community that I have met through Soaring Spirits is a HUGE part of the reason why I am alive and WANTING to be alive today. No joke. My widowed friends save my life over and over and over again, and I love them in a way that is impossible to describe. Soaring Spirits connects widowed people, and when you lose the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with - connection to people who "get it" means everything. My friends in the widowed community are evidence that there is life - joyful life - after loss. They inspire me daily, and I will always pay it forward however I can to Soaring Spirits, for giving me back my life again.

Its Your Birthday, My Heart and Back Know

Its amazing to me, how powerful grief can be. How it can take over. How it can make you feel things you havent felt in years. How it can bring you right back to that day, or those weeks, where you lived in darkness, and where you were just trying to comprehend that the person you married just 4 years ago, was really, actually, truly, dead.

Most days now, 6 years later, I am okay. I am more than okay. I am creating and building a life for myself that includes new passions, helping others through life-changing loss, and a new and beautiful love in my world. My life is filled with purpose and meaning and joy - and I have worked very hard through my grief and my traumas - to get to this place where I feel very good and very differently happy. Most days.

But then, out of the blue sometimes, at random, grief decides it wants to play. It comes out from the shadows and reveals itself, to show you once again who is boss. And you find yourself feeling like you are right back in those early days of darkness, hopelessness, trauma, guilt, and unbelievable sadness.

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Resentment and PTSD

There is so much going on in my head right now. Its hard to think straight. 

I forgot to write in here last week. 

Im a bad, bad widow. 

Im so sorry. 

I forgot to write because I was away in Maine, with my new love,

celebrating our 8 month anniversary, and Valentines Day. 

It was my first really good Valentines Day since Don died, 6 years ago.

And yes, because Im a widow to sudden death, Im now the type of person who likes to honor 

and celebrate my anniversary monthly. 

Because who the hell knows which one might be our last.

Who the hell knows when I might wake up one morning,

and he's just not here anymore. 

Or maybe Im the one who wont wake up. 

This is how my brain works now. 

I have these type of thoughts often. 

It sucks.

I resent it. 

I resent thinking that because Im in Maine and having an awesome time and forgetting for two seconds that Im a widow and that my husband and the life i knew died, that this means I am maybe now somehow OKAY and I dont need to write about my emotions anymore. Im fine. Im over this. Im happy now. 

Thats bullshit. 

And its dangerous thinking. 

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  • commented on Hiatus 2017-07-31 14:28:41 -0700
    Janice our group is in the middlesex/worcester county area of Mass, we meet up 2x per month for social events etc. You can go to our FB page (soaring spirits regional group middlesex/worcester mass ) or to the SS site (right here) where all the regional groups are listed under regional groups.

    Linda, thank you for missing me. I was missing writing so much, but I was so dizzy I couldnt look at a screen or words for weeks. Now the vertigo is almost gone, thankfully.

  • commented on Being Responsible for Our Joy 2017-07-31 14:23:19 -0700
    I love this and have been feeling so similarly lately. This will help me get back to the joy I have fought for, DAMMMIT!!! lol

  • commented on Dear Dead Husband ... 2017-06-14 08:23:44 -0700
    THank you Bruce. Yes, that is exactly it. It does get harder, because the only thing harder than existing is living. Really LIVING. So hard.

  • commented on Eight Years and Crying 2017-06-14 08:17:10 -0700
    Tons of love xoxo

  • commented on My Own Decisions 2017-06-14 08:14:20 -0700
    That sounds very stressful. I hope that the people who are doing this somehow will SEE this blog post and understand that you deserve and need respect, as Shelby’s dad, AND as Meghans husband/widower.

  • commented on Back to You 2017-06-14 08:03:57 -0700
    Thanks everyone. Its not really that Im “blaming” Don for anything – its just more that every hardship in life, feels like it always comes back to me wishinig he was here with me to go through it with me. Ive been told by many, since this post, that I will ALWAYS wish that. I think thats pretty realistic, but I guess Ill find out.

  • commented on “Share your memories! (3 Years Ago)" 2017-06-14 08:01:32 -0700
    Go sit in the corner and shut up. lol. You rock. And yeah ….those FB reminders can be such a kick in the heart. Very well written, as always. xo

  • commented on Growth and the Gifts in Grief 2017-06-14 07:55:19 -0700
    yes to life!!!!!
    Let me know if youd still like for me to do a guest-speaker video or something for the course.
    love you xo

  • commented on Hugging through the Fear 2017-05-28 18:42:06 -0700
    Ocean currents. Love that. Girl – you dont need a therapist. You just self diagnosed every single emotion and feeling inside you and broke it down brilliantly. Bravo. lol. And I love the hug-attacks , love that Shelby does that , and love that you want to receive those in a less fearful and more loving way. And Mikes post was beautiful.

  • commented on Stranger 2017-05-28 18:33:57 -0700
    Thank you both. ox

  • commented on She Didn't Have to Be 2017-05-26 11:30:28 -0700
    HAHAHA!!! I got a mention #soblessed … this is really beautiful, Mike! Their bond is such a special thing …. and I do believe Megan knows, and she is so happy.

  • commented on Coping on the Hard Days 2017-05-26 11:20:40 -0700
    Yeah. All of this. Thanks, mommy.

  • commented on Echoes in my Heart 2017-05-21 08:06:20 -0700
    Oh man, I SO get this. And I do the same thing. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, especially with real joy and moments of bliss. I try to remain inside the joy, but sometimes it just turns to immediate sadness out of nowhere. I really do think its because you have had so much loss, but I also think its a ’sudden loss" thing. There is literally almost NO moment where Im not acutely aware that every single thing can be snatched away from me, with no warning or reason. And thats a weird way to live, having that knowledge. Its scary sometimes.

  • commented on Change Your Mind, Change the World 2017-05-21 08:07:44 -0700
    Thank you Marty!!! I appreciate that.

  • commented on A Phonecall from a Friend 2017-05-12 06:49:24 -0700
    Awww Im so sorry about your friends dad, and I know exactly what youmean about the depth that death brings. Love you xo

  • commented on Going Postal 2017-05-12 06:46:46 -0700
    Its been the same way here too. Cold and rainy and cloudy. With a few days here and there of sunshine. Very strange May weather. But I shall go outside anyway, as you have instructed lol ……..

  • commented on How to Keep on Loving... 2017-04-30 08:41:27 -0700
    Dammit, Sarah. Sobbing my head off. This is what happens when you choose to let love in. And holy shit, do I ever love you. So happy you are in my life. This is absolutely amazing, and I truly wish I could have been there in person. If I could have afforded to be there, I soooo would have been. It sounds magical beyond description. xoxo ….

  • commented on Sewing My Widow Oats 2017-04-29 07:56:48 -0700
    pat if you can friend me on facebook I can tell you the names of the widowed groups. they are private and/or secret, so you have to be asked in or know someone who is in it . You can find me under Kelley Lynn on FB if we arent friends already. Im FB friends with lots of widowed peeps so I lose track lol.

  • commented on Half-finished 2017-04-16 09:11:48 -0700
    I love the way you explained this. It helps me in my own life to feel less guilty about some things that are in limbo or stalled or I havent finished them yet. I seee it a little differently now. Thanks for that.

  • commented on Dealing with Resentment 2017-04-16 09:03:51 -0700
    Oh boy can I ever relate to this. This actually happened this morning to me, while chatting with the new guy Im seeing, who is not widowed, so its even more complicated to explain myself to him sometimes. Anyway, we were chatting and he made a joke and I took it the wrong way and then accused him of not appreciating me . In the end, I realized I was putting all my pat “stuff” from the past year and a half on him, AND in a way, comparing him to Don, because it all went back to "Don appreciated me. " Ugh. I apoligized and explained that sometimes I get overly sensitive about things, and he explained that his sarcastic humor often gets him into trouble. Its all good now, but communicating is really tough sometimes, when your emotionss are just so complex and living in two different worlds sometime …. that duality of widowhood that I wwrote about in my Friday post. xo

Kelley is a comedian, writer, actor, and speaker living in NYC. She married her soul-mate and best friend Don, in October of 2006. She was 35, and he was 42. Just over four years later, he would die shockingly from a massive heart-attack. Kelley has turne
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