Kelley Lynn

When I first lost my husband to sudden death, I knew absolutely nobody that was my age who was widowed. The word "widow" made me cringe, and I ran away from any possibility that it could or would ever apply to me. Then I discovered Soaring Spirits and Camp Widow. Here were these people - hundreds of them - all over the country and the world - who were just like me. They had lost their partners too, and they were hurting and feeling alone too. Except suddenly, none of us were alone anymore, because now we had each other. The widowed community that I have met through Soaring Spirits is a HUGE part of the reason why I am alive and WANTING to be alive today. No joke. My widowed friends save my life over and over and over again, and I love them in a way that is impossible to describe. Soaring Spirits connects widowed people, and when you lose the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with - connection to people who "get it" means everything. My friends in the widowed community are evidence that there is life - joyful life - after loss. They inspire me daily, and I will always pay it forward however I can to Soaring Spirits, for giving me back my life again.

Wherever You Are, It's Okay

So, here's a fun fact:

The holidays are torture for widowed people. 

Hell, the regular days are torture. 

But the holidays ....

they shine a big red light on the torture,

and then burn you with the beams. 

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Through the Roof

It's been one of those weeks. 

My anxiety is through the roof,

and Im not sure why. 

 

Well, thats not entirely true. 

I always know why. 

I'm a sudden death widow. 

 

My husband, at age 46, young and healthy and never sick a day in his life (literally - the man called out once from work in all the years I knew him, and it was so he could lie in bed and cry and grieve his cat Isabelle, when she died), left for work one morning, and never came home. 

As long as I live on this earth, his death will never make sense in my brain. 

I can "accept" that it happened, because I have no choice.

I live with his death every day. 

But it will never make sense logically.

In my brain.

Or in my heart. 

There will never be a "why" for that question. 

It just hangs there.

Until forever.

 

My husband left for work that day at 5am or so, not waking me. 

I was jarred awake by a ringing phone, over and over. 

Around 6:30 am. 

It was the call of death. 

The call that said "the life you knew is gone." 

I literally woke up to a brand new Hell. 

 

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  • commented on Happy Hellidays 2017-12-16 07:43:20 -0800
    Happy Hellidays!

  • commented on Wherever You Are, It's Okay 2017-12-15 18:50:28 -0800 · Flag
    Oh carmen…im so glad you found this blog … feel free to reach out to me on Facebook Im at Kelley Lynn and have lots of resources, the community of widowed people is truly amazing and will help you move through this… My husband also died (suddenly) in July … of 2011….and those first set of holidays are such a blur. I wish you peace wherever you can find it, and thank you for writing me!

  • commented on Through the Roof 2017-12-10 08:42:17 -0800
    thank you Linda. I appreciate your kind words.

  • commented on Woodland Preacher 2017-12-08 08:08:08 -0800
    This is truly beautiful and speaks as to WHY nature is so calming and comforting to so many (including me.) And I love all the quotes,especially the last one.

  • commented on Untitled 2017-12-04 08:24:29 -0800
    Ive been having a TON of those “Ijust miss him” moments lately. Im wondering if new love brings out the grief more. Or,like you said, maybe there just isnt a reason at all. Maybe the reason is as simple as that they are dead, and we will miss them forever.

  • commented on The Jury Has Made a Decision ... 2017-12-03 13:03:03 -0800
    THanks Candace. Carolyn, you are too kind.
    Kathie, sieze the moment indeed!
    Paula, sure. Maybe you can email me at kelleyiskelley@gmail.com and give me the details of how youd like to post it in your blog.
    Thanks for all the support everyone.

  • commented on Revisiting the First Thanksgiving 2017-11-19 08:57:40 -0800
    Yes!!! I needed to hate and ignore christmas for a couple years, ssothat I could eventuallylove it again. That empty chair though… wow lol.

  • commented on A New Dawn 2017-11-15 17:27:24 -0800
    Your workshop was beautiful. It brought out emotions in me that I didnt even know were there, or what they meant. Thank you.

  • commented on I Dream of Wandering 2017-11-15 17:22:00 -0800
    Thank you for explaining the deeper meaning of why you wrote wandering. Very insightful :)

  • commented on Life Goes On 2017-11-03 18:14:30 -0700
    Diane, those pockets of joy are what its all about. Hold onto them tight. They will come more often in time. Promise :) And keep telling your son’s story and saying his name.

  • commented on Views from Auschwitz 2017-10-14 11:46:34 -0700
    they had names. really beautiful post.

  • commented on Moment of Silence for Football Widows .... 2017-10-12 09:16:28 -0700
    Hahaha!!!! Youre right Don. I neglected to mention shopping widows. You too, deserve a day.

  • commented on T.M.I. 2017-10-12 09:15:13 -0700
    Awesome. I can relate to this so much.

  • commented on Putting Death out Front 2017-10-08 12:18:14 -0700
    This is awesome and you are too. I will be sharing this a bit closer to Halloween. I love everything about it. Including this great picture.

  • commented on Driftwood 2017-10-07 09:14:57 -0700
    Beautiful. Welcome to the writing club. Im the Friday writer here :)

  • commented on I Get It Now, and I'm Sorry 2017-10-07 09:16:50 -0700
    Thank you marty. that is very kind ….

  • commented on Anxiety 2017-09-12 08:47:27 -0700
    So glad to hear that Barbara. It makes me happy when my words can help someone through something.

  • commented on Widowmaker 2017-09-01 05:02:22 -0700
    Beautiful post.

  • commented on Aftermath 2017-09-01 04:57:39 -0700
    Love you Sarah.

  • commented on Parallel Lives 2017-08-27 07:33:28 -0700
    Thank you everyone. Thank you Don, that means a LOT coming from you, since I know you arent at all in a place currently where “new love” is a thing, so for you to be genuinely happy for someone else is HUGE. Just know that. Ive been there. THank you soooo much to you all … LInda, juli, jacque, cynthia….

Kelley is a comedian, writer, actor, and speaker living in NYC. She married her soul-mate and best friend Don, in October of 2006. She was 35, and he was 42. Just over four years later, he would die shockingly from a massive heart-attack. Kelley has turne
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