My thoughts are all over the place tonight. Scattered in the air, like confetti. Sometimes I come in here, to this blog site, and I have absolutely no idea what I want to say. I want to say everything - and nothing. Tonight is one of those nights. So here are a few random thoughts that are on my mind right this minute. If I'm lucky, they will end up connecting to one another in some sort of mixed up, grief-hazed way.
It has become difficult for me to feel grounded. Ever. I think sudden death will do that to a person. Always feeling like something is about to happen. Something awful. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop ...
Finally found a doctor's office in NYC that takes new patients who don't have insurance. Because when you lose your husband with absolutely no warning, and you were on HIS health insurance - guess what? You lose your insurance. There goes that shoe dropping...
So I saw a doctor for the first time in almost 2 years. I got bloodwork done. Thyroid test, blood sugar test, Vitamin D test, cholesterol test - every test known to man. Everything came back normal. I showed the test results to my brilliant doctor friend Dave and asked him to give me a more detailed report, and he basically told me that all my numbers are outstanding. A normal person would be relieved and happy with this news. And I am. Partly. The other part of me is confused and stressed out. Everything is normal. So why do I feel like shit all the time? Why do my joints hurt like I'm 85 years old? Why does it feel difficult to climb stairs without labored breathing? Why do I get weird little pings and quick, sharp pains in and around my heart and chest? Why do my ribs always ache? Why do I never feel good? Why?
People tell me "it's the grief" or "it's your weight". I am sure both of those things are true. Even so, I stress all the time that something is wrong with me. That I will have a heart-attack like he did, with no notice. No warning. No people around me when it happens. And then I stress some more, and then the stress causes other health issues to occur, and then that stresses me out more, and then people tell me not to stress about things beyond my control, and then I stress about trying not to stress, with the end result being that I'm very, very stressed.
So I saw the doctor. Other stuff happened too. I went on an audition for a TV role that I really, really want. I found out this week that an interview I went on to direct and help write/create a local theatre production that will be a huge Fundraiser for Cancercare, resulted in me getting the job. Spent the last 2 days being sick with the flu at home, calling out of work from my teaching job, and living on peppermint tea, soup, and vitamin C tablets. My roommate is away for a week on a business trip, so I'm alone here. But even if she was here, she is not my husband, who was a paramedic by day, and the best "home nurse" to me by night, whenever I didn't feel well. Yesterday, when I just wanted to curl up in a ball and stay there until I stop coughing - I had to instead put some clothes on and walk down the street to spend money on cold medicine, tea, orange juice, cough drops, and other annoying items I didnt have in the apartment. And then later, last night, I had to pull my own blanket over myself and curl up in that ball alone and just cry.
The amount of times that my husband would run to the store for me - for something I needed - so I wouldn't have to - countless. How many nights he would gently cover me in a blanket and then lay down beside me and stroke my hair. Now - it's just me. And it sucks.
Tonight I watched the episode of Glee where they honored the late Cory Monteith, who played Finn on the show. The show's star, Lea Michele, plays the character Rachel on the show, who dated and almost married the character Finn. In real life, the actors Cory and Lea were together as a couple, and were to be married. And then he died this summer, of an apparent drug overdose. Watching that show tonight - and watching Lea Michele, the actor, play her scenes in the episode where she comes back to honor her love - I could see and feel that she wasn't acting at all. She was grieving. And it was so raw and so real, and right there on the TV screen for everyone to see. And lying there in my bed, alone and feeling sick with the flu and missing my husband with such intensity - and watching those characters, those real people who had lost their very real friend, sharing their vulnerable souls with the world - I caved. I sobbed. Then I sobbed some more. Been doing a lot of sobbing lately, and then I sob some more. I just miss him so damn much.
That is really what it comes down to sometimes. I just miss him, and there's not a damn thing I can do about that. It sucks when good things happen. It sucks when bad things happen. It sucks to be sick and not have your love here to make your tea, or to give you a kiss goodnight anyway because he "doesnt care if Im contagious." Like Lea Michele's character Rachel said in tonight's episode: "He was my 'person.'" Life is just not the same without my person.
I guess I will go to bed now, and hope that tomorrow feels better than today. Although if something good happens and I do feel better, he wont be here to share it with, so that will suck too. Maybe I'll just eat a bag of Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips and call it a day.
You see? I told you my thoughts were all over the place tonight. I warned you. And so now you know.