Kelley Lynn

When I first lost my husband to sudden death, I knew absolutely nobody that was my age who was widowed. The word "widow" made me cringe, and I ran away from any possibility that it could or would ever apply to me. Then I discovered Soaring Spirits and Camp Widow. Here were these people - hundreds of them - all over the country and the world - who were just like me. They had lost their partners too, and they were hurting and feeling alone too. Except suddenly, none of us were alone anymore, because now we had each other. The widowed community that I have met through Soaring Spirits is a HUGE part of the reason why I am alive and WANTING to be alive today. No joke. My widowed friends save my life over and over and over again, and I love them in a way that is impossible to describe. Soaring Spirits connects widowed people, and when you lose the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with - connection to people who "get it" means everything. My friends in the widowed community are evidence that there is life - joyful life - after loss. They inspire me daily, and I will always pay it forward however I can to Soaring Spirits, for giving me back my life again.

Patterns

It was an interesting 10 days. It was a week and a half of guessing games, assumptions,

And jumping to conclusions. (on my part) It was a very emotional 10 days, and it was 10 days I do not wish to repeat again. But it came with a lot of lessons, and things that I probably needed to improve on. This one’s all on me.

 

In this weird version of life, the one I didn’t ask for where Im a widowed person and where

My husband and I don’t get to have our future together, it’s the simple things that mean the most to me, and that I begin to rely on. Probably the biggest of those things has been the friendship I have developed over the past year and a half, largely via daily phone chats, with a widower that I feel a strong connection with. I have developed feelings for this person, and he knows this, and agrees that there is something there between us. But he isn’t in a place right now to explore that, or to think about being in a relationship with someone. That is okay. Our friendship  and our connection means the world to me. 

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Simple

I wish it were simple. 

It should be simple. 

Why can't it just be simple? 

The grieving part, the part where you are in emotional and sometimes physical pain 24/7 - that part is already hard enough. It's downright impossible most days.

So when you finally leave that part, and you come into this shift of something different, something else - something where you are still grieving and missing them like mad, but where it no longer overcomes you 24/7 - and you can sometimes actually envision maybe something resembling a LIFE in the months and years ahead - 

When you get to that place, FINALLY ---- 

Why can't it just be simple? 

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  • commented on Wish You Were Here 2017-02-16 09:31:27 -0800
    oh and p.s, Don LOVED space and science and NASA too. He was obsessed. I think we talked about this before, you and me. How Drew and Don both loved science and both loved planes (Flight crew chief for f-17 in Air Force). I meant to tell you in my last comment that you NEED to go see the film thats out now HIDDEN FIGURES. Its unbelievable. Best film of the year. Its about 3 black women working behind the scenes at NASA, during times of segregation, that each played a huge part in the John Glen mission. Its sooo good.

  • commented on Resolve 2017-02-16 09:13:33 -0800
    I love this. thank you so much for sharing this with the community, and for trusting us with your words and your story. I really do believe that love can play a huge part in the healing process, and its so beautiful for me to see that Sarah’s love for you was the push you needed to begin to make things right, and “do things right”. This is what I long to have with someone. For my love to be enough so they want to live better – for us, and for their forever person who died, and for mine. For them to realize its WORTH the risk. Love is always worth the risk. You guys give me hope right now. Thanks.

  • commented on Words as Weapons 2017-02-09 13:29:07 -0800
    Well damn. This might be my favorite thing you have ever written.
    And its not JUST because you mentioned my name in it . lol.
    Its because I relate 100%. This is the EXACT reason that I write, too. Yes!!!

    ps. I AM responsible for you and Sarah. I started the conversation with you, which in turn, began you turning to her and conversing with her. Probably to get away from my crazy ass lol. Its all me. You are together because of me. Deal with it lol.

  • commented on Evolving 2017-02-05 10:15:30 -0800
    This post is courageous as hell, as was Mike’s this past week. I love that you are sharing ALL of the complexities with us about finding love again as widowed people – because its the truth. Future relationships are complex as hell, there are so many emotions and past “stuff” and feelings to deal with, from everyone involved. But its also such a beautiful thing to be able to have someone to love your person with, grieve them with, honor them with, all while creating new moments of life with each other. I just love you both to pieces, and I know you will be more than okay, because you have each other’s backs. Thats all I want – to not have to go through this alone . xo

  • commented on It's 2 AM. Do I Know Where my Brain is? 2017-02-02 19:21:37 -0800
    So beautiful, and i dont know any of the answers to any of your questions, for I ask them myself all the time.

  • commented on Devolve 2017-02-01 15:23:32 -0800
    Mike, you know I always love your blogs, but this one is really courageous, for you to share so openly. This will help a lot of people, especially men I think, who are hesitant about figuring out their issues and emotions, or admitting they need work on them. I think we are ALL a mess after our losses, for different reasons, and the specifics are different, but we are all messed up in different ways. When we find someone , like you and Sarah have, who will sit with us in our messed-up-ness, but also call us out on it, that is a very good and beautiful thing. I know you and Sarah will be just fine, and sometimes things that are unresolved between people, such as you and Megan, end up finding a different unexpected way of resolving. It does suck that you didnt get to fully resolve things with Megan, but when she died – you had been trying for awhile, and I truly believe she knows that , and you should feel good that she knew that.

  • commented on Building New Wings Ain't Easy 2017-01-30 08:15:42 -0800
    This is awesome. And so are you. I truly think that love after loss is just extremely complicated and weird and sensitive and emotional, and maybe its supposed to be. How could it not be? But Its also beautiful, and what you two have built together is a forever honor to Drew, Megan, and yourselves.

  • commented on Overload 2017-01-27 11:14:57 -0800
    thank you stephanie!!!! Appreciate that!

  • commented on Needing the Deads' Voice 2017-01-24 11:55:59 -0800
    will Sarah be with you when you go? I agree with Marisssa to prepare yourself emotionally for the triggers that are sure to come. I know for myself, I could NOT go anywhere near the hospital where I saw Don , lying there dead – where I found out he had died, where I was taken into that tiny private room to be told my husband had died. Just driving BY that hospital gave me panic attacks and anxiety for a good 14 months. Then I moved out of NJ, so I didnt have to go near it anymore after that. If I had to go near it or in it even now, Im quite sure Id feel nauseous and unable to function. The smell, the memory of “would you like to see him?” and that tiny room, all of it haunts me. Yes, be there for your friend, for sure. But pleaase take care of yourself and have a plan if you NEED to get the hell out for a few minutes. If Sarah is with you, she can help you with this. Youre a good friend.

  • commented on The Journey of a River 2017-01-23 12:38:37 -0800
    This is beautiful.

  • commented on Poking the Bear 2017-01-18 18:16:02 -0800
    Awww mike, this is so well written.. and please, give yourself a break. I think its great that when things like this come up between you and Sarah, you can talk about them and break them down and figure them out, even though I know how exhausting that process is. Its also important, and youre doing it, and because you both care so much about how you treat the other , you WILL come through those tense discussions and you will be more than okay.

  • commented on Felt Like Goodbye 2017-01-18 18:30:41 -0800
    Wow just now seeing all these other comments. Thank you everyone so much. DIANE, your story made me cry. Those are some gigantic triggers right there. WOW ….

    Thank you Indie for your kind words. I love to write, and its really the best way for me to just get it OUT. Yes, very glad Caitlin has her husband to help her through this. SHe is an incredible woman with the biggest of hearts.

    stephanie, I know how so many of us never have that chance. I never did with my husband, and that stays with me always. It affects me everyday, and affects how I live.

    SARAH!!!! Yes life is soooo much more beautiful when we share love AND the hard stuff with someone, and when we dont isolate. We know this, and yet its so easy to fall back into the isolation place. I think as long as theres some back and forth , its also needed sometimes to just isolate. But we defintely need humans. We need each other, and we need that safe place to share our love. Love you, girl xoxo (mommy)

    oh michelle your comment hit me right in the heart. Dont be too hard on yourself, okay? It takes a long time to figure all this out, and youve been through a trauma with how he died and what you saw. Took me a long time to not kick myself every DAY for being home and asleep when my husband was collapsing and dying. I still catch myself blaming myself sometimes. I force myself to stop. You will be okay. It takes so much time.

  • commented on Here Comes the Sun 2017-01-13 12:56:59 -0800
    I absolutely hate those dreams. The idea that this is happening all over again, is seriously the worst and most frightening feeling in the world.

  • commented on Appreciating Death 2017-01-13 12:53:12 -0800
    Great post Mike. So important. This disease sounds incredibly shitty. Not that ALL diseases arent shitty, but man …. to to struggling to breathe, literally …. has got to be one of the most awful feelings in the world.

  • commented on New Years Eve Blues 2016-12-30 13:34:46 -0800
    Stacie thats beautiful. We were considering a new years eve wedding too, but we didnt want to chance it with snow and weather issues, so we went with a theme of “christmas in October” instead. Ive always wanted to be at one of those great big New Years Eve parties somewhere and get proposed to there just before midnight… ah, fantasies. Im glad you are going out with your sisters this year, and you should absolutely toast to annd honor your Tom …

  • commented on Humbug 2016-12-30 10:47:51 -0800
    Good for you, for recognizing this and taking action with it. I think we ALL have work to do on ourselves, constantly – and its always just a matter of choice whether or not we take actions to always be bettering ourselves. That “stuff” doesnt just disappear or go away – you really do have to tend to it, whether its self-care, counseling, or whatever else. Also remember that you were in caregiver mode for so long that taking care of YOU was not really a priority, and like you said, you fall into habits and then ease into them. Im sure that whatever course of action you take will be worth it.

  • commented on A Change in Christmas 2016-12-25 09:02:36 -0800
    I even read your blog on Christmas morning lol Tradition. Beautiful post xoxoxo

  • commented on Christmas Is Christmas Again 2016-12-23 20:19:07 -0800
    Marybeth, that was the key for me – not forcing myself to let Christmas in before I was ready. If you can do that, (dowhat you have to for the kids but no more than that), I promise you, there will be a day when you can let it in again and it will be joyous. It takes a LOT of time. Wishing you peace xoxo

  • commented on Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet to Come 2016-12-23 15:09:54 -0800
    Love this!

  • commented on Oh, the Shame! On THEM~ 2016-12-16 10:46:30 -0800
    Just had a chance to read this, and , THANK YOU!!!! It still is shocking to me what was said in that email, and why anyone would say that to someone else is beyond me. They could have just as easily stopped communicating with me and left it alone. But to go out of your way to say cruel things like that? Who does that?

Kelley is a comedian, writer, actor, and speaker living in NYC. She married her soul-mate and best friend Don, in October of 2006. She was 35, and he was 42. Just over four years later, he would die shockingly from a massive heart-attack. Kelley has turne
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