The stars, the moon, the Universe. Something greater and more powerful than I. This is what I need to grasp and know and hold close because I'm foundering within that very Universe. For 24 years I was so certain of where my feet stood, what my life was, and I lived it with passion, appreciating every day of it with my beloved husband. Now that he's gone, I am untethered and unmoored.
When not on the road these days, I'm in Arizona, with the desert where I can gaze up into the star-speckled night sky, untouched by light pollution. It is my intent when I return there (I'm currently in Connecticut for our youngest son's wedding) to take my PinkMagic trailer and boon-dock for a night or two so that I can be alone and turn my gaze into the stillness and mightiness of the galaxies overhead and maybe, hopefully, find a measure of comfort in contemplating the hugeness of that night ceiling. Chuck is so very gone from me that I'm teetering on the edge of desperation to find something that is bigger than I, so massive that it overwhelms this grief and alone-ness that grips my very bones.
He and I used to sit in our backyard and gaze up at the full moon. I have memories of him with his arms around me, catching the beauty of that moon while in New Hampshire, our first trip together after our initial meeting, or sitting on the stoop of his parents' home in Indiana our first time there as a married couple. The one time since his death that I had a vision of him was when I was receiving acupuncture and in my mind's eye I was standing atop a mountain top in the desert, at night, and suddenly Chuck was there, taking my hand and putting his arm around me, and spinning me into the Universe, dancing me among the stars.
Celestial. The magic of the Heavens and the glory of that great Unknown. It easily reflects this painful search for an antidote to the emptiness inside of me.
I don't even feel as if my words make sense any longer, whether written or spoken, except by showing the confusion that is my soul and my very being in these times. So I'll end this post by sharing with you some beautiful words that I listen to each morning and each evening, and many times during the day. This video is the only thing that brings me a sense of something that is just out of my grasp but still meaningful. Within the beauty of this video is the thing that will connect me with him again.
Possibly you will recognize something in it for yourself too. This is the link to A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me~