It's ok to not be ok

IMG_0022.JPGThis week as been nothing short of rough. I’m hoping through this blog I will come up with something inspiring. But the truth is sometimes life is just hard. For some reason, I’m not overly sure why, I just have been very stressed and emotional this week. Sometimes it just hits you really hard, the truth, and the reality of where you are and what you are missing.

I had about five break downs this week. All at different times. People who are close to me are the only ones who can really tell when I’m just faking being ok. And it’s hard to explain it to them. They want a reason why you are so sad. They want to give you some great advice on how to fix it. But neither one of these have real answers. The truth is you are sad because you are missing the one person who can fix it and they can’t come back. That’s a really hard truth to take in sometimes.

My life is very busy and most of the time I like it that way. Less time to think. But it catches up to me every once in a while. I have four children to raise. I work full time. It all becomes too much. The only real option I have is to try and get some rest and start all over the next morning. I remember when Joey was here and I would get stressed out I would always tell myself to breath and this too shall pass. But this won’t pass. I’m not going to wake up one morning and he will be by my side. This is it.

IMG_1333.JPG(I took a break from writing, I was getting very emotional and needed to calm down)

So here is what I decided to do, it was pretty risky. I decided to read my old journals. I thought that maybe seeing where I once was would give me courage. To see how far I have come would help me appreciate this new level of grief I seem to be in.

It was very hard. Lots of tears were shed reading those pages. Most of them didn’t even make a lot of sense. They were just raw emotion. I always wrote directly to him. Sometimes I would be really sad, other times really angry. I always seemed to be pleading with him to come home. I remember feeling that way, I think I still may feel that way sometimes but not all the time. I kept a timeline of every day I cried, I stopped at 150 days. I wonder why I stopped, I feel like it was probably driving me crazy to keep a count of something like that. I spoke with several mediums in those first months just trying to connect with him. I took notes of those interviews, but now they don’t make a lot of sense. Most of my journal is just thoughts scribbled down probably in a dark moment where I just needed to get them out.

So here is my conclusion, life is still hard. I don’t for see it being easy anytime soon. But I’m growing. I’m not stuck. So there is light and hope. If you are still in that raw place, I can’t promise you roses and butterflies anytime soon. I can promise you if you continue to move you will be ok. And if you are where I am then all I can say is at least we walk together. Let’s all pray for a brighter week to come and never lose our hope that we will one day have peace and happiness.

Whatever you believe in I hope you believe in something bigger than yourself, and I hope you can find comfort in these words. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those whose spirits are crushed.”


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  • commented 2016-07-21 08:23:03 -0700
    Hi Michelle. I very much enjoyed your blog. I am a widow of 8 years and have decided to create a site to help out others as well and would love to include yours if you would be interested. My email is dawnjiosi@a-new-dawn.com you can check us out on Facebook. We are hoping to launch the site as soon as possible. Thanks!
  • commented 2016-07-18 19:40:36 -0700
    Amanda,
    Although I cant complete relate, I can to some extent. My husband was my rock. I always knew I was safe with him. No matter where we were if he was with me I knew I was good. My husband did not take his own life, but he was an alcoholic and drove his truck off the road. Again I know this is not the same thing at all. But I know what its like to be let down by the person you love most. I would give anything for one more moment and yes a break as well. I dont know how we begin to trust again or even open our hearts again. But I do believe that we are still here for a reason and I’m determined to find mine. When the storm comes just remember to breathe thats all you have to do. Dont drown in the waves. Like all storms it will end and you will see sun light again. I normally always feel very alone in a room full of people, always the odd man out. But I can tell you I have learned to be more comfortable in that situation. Please just keep going, always remember your husband loved you. He was just sick, as was mine.
  • commented 2016-07-18 18:03:01 -0700
    Are we coming close to a full moon or something? I’ve been the same way these last couple of days. I’m almost three months out and the last week or so I noticed I hadn’t been having as many breakdowns. Then wham! The last couple of days, everything is making me cry. I need him to hold me so desperately. I need him to give me a break from the kids. I desperately need one of his phenomenal massages. I don’t feel comfortable when strangers touch me, but I was safe with him. He made me feel safe like no one else can. But the person who made me feel the safest decided to go into the woods and take his own life. How do I ever trust anyone again after that? I’m on a wave that I just can not physically ride anymore. I’m tired.

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