In the After~

Living in the after

My heart in the before

My passion in the before

Most of me, really, in the before

I don’t know how to be

In this after

I don’t know how to love life

In this after

All of me resides in the before

Because nothing seems to matter

In this after

Memories of Love

Of being held

Lightness of being

Instead of this heaviness

In this after

This low-grade buzz in my

Heart body mind soul

A buzz that aches with remembering

The before

In this after

How does one be

What one was before

In this after?

There is a great and yawning chasm

Between the before and the after

That echoes the great and yawning emptiness

Of my being

In this after

And it is in that emptiness

that who I was who I am who I might be could be don’t want to be but must be

in that emptiness of space and unknowing and missing-ness and uncertainty and dislocation and disorientation and remembering and hurting and wondering and standing still while moving…

There…right there….is where I reside

In this after

So very unlike the before~


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  • commented 2016-11-23 00:41:13 -0800
    My feelings exactly. For me, it has only been 2 months. (First Christmas…etc.) Our stories of loss are very similar. We were big travelers, the loss was quick, unexpected. ( My handsome remarkable Kevin was only 44) I went directly to your blog which I encourage everyone to visit. You are an inspiration of hope and deep love for your Chuck shows in every mile you travel. Much Love, Kirsten

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