I Still Look For Him

I still look for Ben.  Yes I do.  Not so much in person (although I do that too) but rather, I tend to look for him online.  On the internet.

I have read everything that exists online about Ben.  In fact, I wrote most of it. But still I look, as though I’m hoping he might post a new picture or write something in a new guitar forum.  I continue to read and re-read all the comments in his online obituary, and I continue to regret not having had a guest book at his service.  I like to read about him and about how others felt about him. I like to hear his name.

When I run out of things to look at online about Ben, I do a little further research about Collecting Duct Carcinoma just to see if there are any new breakthroughs.  Don’t ask me why.  I can’t imagine if I would be elated or royally pissed off if there was a breakthrough. (Elated for others, pissed off that it didn’t happen in time for Ben.) Recently I did find this online … the conclusion of a 2016 study:

Conclusions: … These results pave the way to a deeper understanding of a rare tumor as CDC, driving the development of new, targeted therapies for this aggressive disease.

Well.  At least its nice to know scientists are still looking into it.  From the rest of the article I gleaned that there may be a gene problem in people with CDC and I'm left wondering what that means for my children.  But then again I have a difficult time deciphering the science-speak so I could be wrong.

In any case, I have now lived 23 months without My Love.  It is officially December, Christmas is rapidly approaching, and I still look for him.

I had anticipated that this December might be easier than the last, but it is not.  I find myself irritable and ready for a fight for no reason at all.  I have jumped down so many people’s throats that I am amazed they continue to still come around.  I’m surprised my remaining two “at home kids” haven’t run away.

We did manage to get the tree decorated with a lot of swearing and a lot of sweat.  I may have considered not putting one up at all this year but then I would have not had anywhere to hang these:

IMG_1796.jpgIMG_1798.jpgThe first was given to us by my sister for our last Christmas together.  It was a sign of solidarity and strength.  The second was the last ornament I will ever have made of our family together.  I decided last year that the next time I have an ornament made it will be for one of my own kids starting their own family.  I don't want to have new "family" ornaments created in a world where Ben doesn't exist.  I don't want to exclude him, so I'm just not going to do it.

In my current life I have been watching my youngest child struggle.  In my current life I am struggling a bit myself.  In my current life I am heading into surgery next week which, while not (hopefully) dangerous, does have a challenging recovery.  I'm a bit overwhelmed right now, and so I am taking a break from all deadlines including blogging.  Michele has been very understanding and has found another blogger to replace me, and so I will just leave you all with my sincerest wishes for peace and strength over this Christmas season and well into the New Year and beyond.

Be Strong.  Be Courageous.  I will if you will.

 


Showing 4 reactions

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  • commented 2017-12-05 20:33:16 -0800
    Thank you Wendy for sharing so many powerful, deep and beautiful thoughts. Wishing you a smooth and speedy recovery. Sincerest wishes back to you for peace and strength. I will be looking forward to reading your blog again when the time is right for you. Meanwhile i will be remembering your words ‘strength and courage.’ Thank you from my heart.
  • commented 2017-12-04 23:23:47 -0800
    Thank you Wendy for all you have done, both for us readers and everyone else you have touched. Sending hugs and wishing you peace.
  • commented 2017-12-04 17:21:23 -0800
    Thank you Gayle. The fact that you’re happily remarried gives me hope.
  • commented 2017-12-04 07:19:57 -0800
    Wishing you strength and peace. It’s been over 10 years for me, and I’m happily remarried, and still google my late husband’s name every so often. This time of year is hard for many of us, and the second year was the hardest year for me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Hope that your surgery and recovery are smooth and that you will be gentle with yourself.

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