I'm Tired

hope.jpgI am tired of being brave. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of being a hero and inspiration to everyone around me. You don't know how I do it? Neither do I. I wish I could break sometimes. I wish I could just stop. I wish I could take option B. But I can't. I don't know how to.

So I just cry and scream. And wonder why me. But nothing changes. Nothing magical comes from my tears to make my life better.

I only know how to feel sorry for myself for so long. Before I tell myself to man up. And go forward.

These breakdowns become very hard. I have shut everyone out from seeing the real me. The weak one who is scared and alone. The one who needs someone.

Last week I reached out to Michele the founder of soaring spirits. I was so low I just typed. I typed everything I was feeling. And the amazing thing was she got it. She understood. I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who feels this way. And as hard as it is to see now it will get better. I just can't give up.

It's ok to be tired. It's ok to give up on this day. Today. But not tomorrow.

 

So as tired as I am. I need to remind myself of two things. One, rest. It's ok to need a break and to rest from the world. And two, I can't give up. It doesn't matter what anyone sees or thinks of me. What matters is that my children and I survive and not only survive but thrive. We will beat this crappy hand we were dealt. We will overcome this hardship. We will live an amazing life. Not the one I planned but one I can't imagine. It will come. There is no option B.

I will leave you with the words Michele left for me. The are imprinted on my soul. I can't seem to shake them.

"I promise that you can do this.

I promise that you can have another happy and full life.

I promise that this pain will get easier to bear.

I promise that even when you eventually let go of the pain, the love will remain."

 


Showing 6 reactions

Please check your e-mail for a link to activate your account.
  • commented 2016-12-31 07:29:12 -0800
    I so get this, it has been 3 months, 7 days since my wonderful husband lost his fight with colorectal cancer. Miss him everyday, he was building a new house for us to live in, now I must finish it.
  • followed this page 2016-12-31 07:26:17 -0800
  • commented 2016-12-10 08:32:23 -0800
    Tracey, there is nothing I can say to make your battle easier. But if I could come sit with you today and tomorrow I would. Take a break today. Rest. Cry. Scream. But tomorrow pull your head up. Fight this fight. He would want you to. He would do anything to be by your side today and everyday. This life isn’t fair. Is seems really unfair to you. But you can win this battle. You can feel the sun on your face and smile. You can do this. My heart is with you.
  • commented 2016-12-10 07:50:57 -0800
    I am soon to be 3 years out in 3 months and I know exactly what you are saying. Today is a super low day for me and I don’t know what to do or where to turn. You see I helped my husband through cancer for 4 1/2 years we road the cancer roller coaster ride together. After he passed away I started to put my life together it took 2 years to do this. Well life again had a curve ball for me… I now am battling cancer myself. Today I realize what having the person by your side to help you get through anything means. Yes I have support and friends but it’s not the same. Today I got up to find a quarter of my hair on my pillow and another quarter of my hair in my hands when I washed it. I’m doing this all alone and honestly I just want to give up. I don’t have children and I just think what is the use? At some point your breaking point is hit and I’ve hit that today!
  • commented 2016-12-05 23:09:57 -0800
    Even 5 years out I still feel this way. It does get easier to bear the pain, but there are still days I just don’t want to be strong any more. The weight of grieving is so big and sometimes I just want him to come back and help share life’s burdens. But he can’t so I keep trudging forward. It’s so good to know we’re all walking together.
  • commented 2016-12-05 19:27:31 -0800
    I so get this today. Sooo tired of feeling this way and yes, not letting anyone see that side of it. I hope it’s true that things will get better and we all will have an amazing happy life.

Blog Search:

Authors:

Tags:

Donate Volunteer Membership