I am tired of being brave. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of being a hero and inspiration to everyone around me. You don't know how I do it? Neither do I. I wish I could break sometimes. I wish I could just stop. I wish I could take option B. But I can't. I don't know how to.
So I just cry and scream. And wonder why me. But nothing changes. Nothing magical comes from my tears to make my life better.
I only know how to feel sorry for myself for so long. Before I tell myself to man up. And go forward.
These breakdowns become very hard. I have shut everyone out from seeing the real me. The weak one who is scared and alone. The one who needs someone.
Last week I reached out to Michele the founder of soaring spirits. I was so low I just typed. I typed everything I was feeling. And the amazing thing was she got it. She understood. I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who feels this way. And as hard as it is to see now it will get better. I just can't give up.
It's ok to be tired. It's ok to give up on this day. Today. But not tomorrow.
So as tired as I am. I need to remind myself of two things. One, rest. It's ok to need a break and to rest from the world. And two, I can't give up. It doesn't matter what anyone sees or thinks of me. What matters is that my children and I survive and not only survive but thrive. We will beat this crappy hand we were dealt. We will overcome this hardship. We will live an amazing life. Not the one I planned but one I can't imagine. It will come. There is no option B.
I will leave you with the words Michele left for me. The are imprinted on my soul. I can't seem to shake them.
"I promise that you can do this.
I promise that you can have another happy and full life.
I promise that this pain will get easier to bear.
I promise that even when you eventually let go of the pain, the love will remain."