..... and finally, FINALLY .... after 2 years and 4 months ..... I'm OK with that.
It feels good to finally feel OK with things not really being OK.
I don't think I will ever feel "normal" again. I spent a lot of time fighting that.
I wanted to be "normal". I didn't want to be a widow. I didn't want anything to do with widowhood and everything it brought into my life .... and the lives of my children.
But I've stopped fighting. And that, too, feels good.
Don't get me wrong ..... this is not the life I would have chosen. And if I could .... I'd certainly go back to the way it was before December 17th, 2007.
If I could .... I'd wake up from this bad dream to find that's exactly what it was .... and nothing more.
But that's not the path I was given.
This one, without Jim, is.
I know that I will grieve for him until the day I draw my last breath and then join him.
I know that there will always be waves out there, waiting to catch me unaware.
But I'm done with hating where I am and where I'm going.
I'm done with hating not being "normal".
I'm choosing to be OK.
I'm choosing to be OK with this "new normal".
I'm choosing to enjoy my children and their accomplishments ..... the way I would've wanted Jim to enjoy them.
I know it's not easy.
I don't think it will ever be easy.
But I do think it's better than wishing my life away.
I think it's better than hating my life.
And I know that it's better for my children.
Even if .... I'm not normal.
It took over 2 years to get here .....
but I am NOT normal.
And I'm OK.