I dreamed of him last night. My dreams aren't too off from the real world. In them I know he is dead. And yet, in this Inception like reality, I still think maybe there is some way his world and mine can merge, if only for a couple of hours in my sleep.
In the dream, there was one moment that stood out more than any other.
I was walking beside my love, both of us aware of each other’s presence. I looked down at his hand which I so greatly wanted to grasp, but hesitated almost in fear that my dream world would start collapsing for not following some code. I looked down at his hand, looked up seeking some mighty voice to say it would be ok, and then he grabbed it, and in that moment I felt something that I haven't felt in nearly four years.
Bliss. Pure bliss in knowing my hand was locked in the one place it will one day be locked into for eternity. Ahead of us in my dream was my sister and her husband, and I just remember her turning around, looking at me and Michael, and saying, "You look so happy (the exclusive kind of Michael happy)". Which was followed by me smiling the way only those who witnessed our love together could remember the sight of.
From there, things start getting a little loco and then I awoke. I laid there knowing the feelings I had felt that night had taken me over in my unconscious and soaked through to my conscience, and I found myself trying to fall back asleep a bit longer in order to search or remember any other bits.
I've always loved my dreams that he's in (minus the ones where he feels so far away...which over the years I've learned to shrug off), and I felt like last night's dream was him reminding me that those feelings will always be there when I need them the most. The feelings of untouchable love that may be tested and torn by the winds of time, but will always stand tall and guiding like a beacon of light.
This is my life and our life together. I cannot change its course, but it's always nice to reminded I'm on the right one.
SO in love with you, baby.
I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams.
- Jonas Salk