I'd Like a Freakin' Break ....

janine_8_3.jpg... from life.
From life as I know it.
From life as I've known it for the past 3+ years.

I am overwhelmed.

In the past month I have replaced 2 air conditioning units, fixed one septic system, been told that tomorrow I will have a hole knocked into my bedroom wall so that a plumbing leak can be addressed.
And then had another AC unit break down today.

Add that to the broken sprinkler system, a "new" boat that, after using it only 15 hours, now has its engine light on, which .... when I looked into the the owner's manual, showed that a boat should not be  used when its engine light is on.
W. T. H??

Add that to college tuitions.
To children who are going back to school for Master's degrees.
To children who are living their lives "differently" than was planned.
Than what was hoped for.
For children who are still at home and not always as respectful and loving as they should be.
As they would be if their father were here.

I am past overwhelmed.
I am pissed.
I am angry.
I am at a state where tears come easily.

This is NOT what I signed up for.
This is NOT the way my life was supposed to go.
This is NOT what I dreamed of when I thought of our future.

This should not, can not really ..... be my life.
I should not be, as my friend so succinctly put it, "always putting out fires".
I should not be chewing the hell out of the inside of my cheek because of how stressed I am.
My blood pressure should NOT be going off of the charts .... especially when I've always had low blood pressure .... very low blood pressure.

I should be enjoying this time in my/our life.
I should be planning what we would be doing, where we would be traveling, once the kids were all on their own.
This was supposed to be the time in our lives when things would be easier.
When we'd have more free time to be together.
When we'd enjoy the time and ability to travel and just "be" with each other.

When I pledged "better or for worse", I was too young to even know what "worse" meant.
When I pledged "till death do us part", I never, ever thought that death would part us before the age of 90.
Stupid me.

I want to raise the white flag.
I want to say, "I give up."
I want to say, "I quit."
I want to say, "Just please give me a freakin' break.  One month.  One month is all I ask.  One month where nothing goes wrong, where nothing needs to be fixed, where I don't feel the pain, loss and depression that can fill my heart so quickly .... at the missing of him. One month when there are no health problems, no car accidents, no home repairs, no insolent teenagers, nothing.
Just a month of .... nothing."

I am not supposed to be doing this alone.
I am not supposed to be a widow.
I am not supposed to feel so very lonely.
I am NOT supposed to be looking on line for a possible date.
I am NOT supposed to be dealing with serious health issues on my own, with absolutely no support or no one to hold me when I'm uncertain about my future.

But .... this is life.
Life is short.
Life is not always "as it should be".
Life is not always fair.
Life is not always predictable.

Life is ..... what life is.
And sometimes, to be perfectly honest .... sometimes that just sucks.
But .... it is what it is.

Yes .... it is what it is.

But I'd still like a freakin' break.


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