Last week I wrote about my sons and the likeness each one has of Jim. I mentioned that I have let the boys go through Jim's clothes.
Well, I've decided that I can't make up my mind about that, either.
I want Jim's clothes to do more than just sit in a closet. I think.
I want the boys to be able to have something of their dad's and to be able to wear some of his clothes. I think.
I like seeing the boys wearing Jim's clothes and bringing back memories of him. I think.
Sometimes I like these things.
Sometimes .... not so much.
Sometimes I feel angry that he's not here to wear them.
Sometimes I feel resentful that his clothes can be worn so easily.
Sometimes I feel like taking every item back and boxing them all up securely.
But not all of the time.
I miss him.
I miss him wearing these items and this not being an issue.
I miss being a mom who never had to think about things like this.
I miss our life "before".
And so I can't make up my mind.
Do I want the boys to take his clothes or not?
At the end of the day, when all is said and done .... I guess I would have to say, "Yes. Mostly."
I don't want Jim's clothes to just lie around collecting dust.
I do want the boys to have things of their Dad's that mean something to them.
And I do want the memories of Jim wearing those clothes. I do want to remember my "before" life and I want to cherish those memories. If the clothes just sit in a box then they can't bring back those warm memories.
And so I have to make up my mind. Again.
And decide I'm going to be OK with this.
Even on those days when I am not.
Especially on those days when I am not.
Do you ever have days like that?
Or am I totally crazy?
I don't know.
I can't make up my mind.