Next week I am flying interstate to visit another widow who has become my grief sister. I have been so excited for this trip, and I still cannot wait to see her. But this morning when I woke, for the first time in a while, I woke full of fear. I woke and wished that John was coming with me. I wished I could join him. And for the most part since I woke, I have been consumed once again in memories of him. Memories of our last holiday together.
I wish that John were here to meet my grief sister, but I never would have met her if he were. I wonder and hope that he will be with me, I can picture him laughing with us. I know this trip is something he would be proud of me for doing. But thinking of being there in just a few days, being away from everything that reminds me of him, gives me an odd feeling. For so long I have tried to escape reality. I have wanted to get away to a place with no memories, and now that it’s happening I wish that he were here to create more memories. I feel lonely at the thought of being somewhere without our memories.
Remembering each and every day of our last holiday as though it were yesterday. Every intimate detail, each street we drove down, every shop we browsed through. Every bar we drank at, every conversation we shared, every wild adventure, every smile, every look, every laugh. I remember our kisses, remember our life, and remember real happiness. I wonder if I’ll ever have memories sweeter than these. We used to have so much fun. He and I against the world. Best friends and lovers. To lose something so perfect in every way. There are no words for such heartache.
Grief is mostly a dark place, full of fear. It’s cold, hard and isolated. It’s terrifying. No one warns you that this place exists, a place where you’re existing just to exist. I never read of it in books as a child. It was never described to me. Yet I still would have loved just as fiercely regardless. Even if I had of known, there is no way I could have really known. Known just how full of fear and courage id become after meeting grief. Now that I know grief, I will live just as fiercely as we loved, because I know it makes him smile.