Gabe Easter

Present and Accounted For

It’s been a weird week.

 

It seldom happens to me, not because I think I’m invulnerable to feeling weird or down, but mostly because my mind is too consumed in what I’m doing to pay those emotions any attention.

 

My mind is a strong one.  That’s not me bragging.  It’s just true.

 

But even strong minds have their limits.

 

This week tested me I suppose.  I spent the week observing people, myself included, for the most part.

 

People are weird.  Even other people grieving.

 

I don’t think that that’s a bad thing, but I think sometimes we forget that at the end of the day, we’re people all the same, with the same character flaws and quirks that we had before we were widowed.  Now, we just have an added level of trauma and crazy.

 

We still take advantage of each other.  Use each other for our own personal gain.  We lie to each other.  We’re capable of disrespect and indifference.  We're annoyed by people, even if they’re suffering the same plight we are.  We still let each other down.

 

 

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Reality

I stood completely alone in a crowded room. I do a lot of that these days. I suppose I want to feel something, anything, other than what I was feeling.
 
Life has a tricky way of deciding when it will allow us to feel a certain way or not.  Some things I feel can be a conscious choice perpetuated into reality.  A small lot, however, rears their ugly heads at times you wouldn’t expect.
 
Here I was. Drink in hand. Music playing softly in the background and all the space I would need to dance the night away should I choose to.
 
I don’t know what it was. Perhaps it was the atmosphere of places I used to frequent but at one point I determined I didn’t need to anymore.
 
I had found somebody. 
 
Somebody didn’t need a drink to keep me entertained. Somebody didn’t require my medication to keep me focused on them. But somebody wasn’t here anymore.
 
Empty.
 
That’s how I feel.
 
Longing.
 
For something I wish would come, either back to me or anew, but perhaps never will.
 
To my chagrin, I’ve accepted those outcomes.
 
Those unacceptable terms thrust upon me much against my will. A contract I never wanted to sign.
 
Nowadays, it seems I’m working harder than ever before to do everything I possibly can...to feel nothing. Nothing at all.
 
Because nothing would feel more peaceful than the reality I find myself in.
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  • published Present and Accounted For in Blog 2017-11-17 23:35:45 -0800

    Present and Accounted For

    It’s been a weird week.

     

    It seldom happens to me, not because I think I’m invulnerable to feeling weird or down, but mostly because my mind is too consumed in what I’m doing to pay those emotions any attention.

     

    My mind is a strong one.  That’s not me bragging.  It’s just true.

     

    But even strong minds have their limits.

     

    This week tested me I suppose.  I spent the week observing people, myself included, for the most part.

     

    People are weird.  Even other people grieving.

     

    I don’t think that that’s a bad thing, but I think sometimes we forget that at the end of the day, we’re people all the same, with the same character flaws and quirks that we had before we were widowed.  Now, we just have an added level of trauma and crazy.

     

    We still take advantage of each other.  Use each other for our own personal gain.  We lie to each other.  We’re capable of disrespect and indifference.  We're annoyed by people, even if they’re suffering the same plight we are.  We still let each other down.

     

     

    Read more

  • published Reality in Blog 2017-11-10 22:52:23 -0800

    Reality

    I stood completely alone in a crowded room. I do a lot of that these days. I suppose I want to feel something, anything, other than what I was feeling.
     
    Life has a tricky way of deciding when it will allow us to feel a certain way or not.  Some things I feel can be a conscious choice perpetuated into reality.  A small lot, however, rears their ugly heads at times you wouldn’t expect.
     
    Here I was. Drink in hand. Music playing softly in the background and all the space I would need to dance the night away should I choose to.
     
    I don’t know what it was. Perhaps it was the atmosphere of places I used to frequent but at one point I determined I didn’t need to anymore.
     
    I had found somebody. 
     
    Somebody didn’t need a drink to keep me entertained. Somebody didn’t require my medication to keep me focused on them. But somebody wasn’t here anymore.
     
    Empty.
     
    That’s how I feel.
     
    Longing.
     
    For something I wish would come, either back to me or anew, but perhaps never will.
     
    To my chagrin, I’ve accepted those outcomes.
     
    Those unacceptable terms thrust upon me much against my will. A contract I never wanted to sign.
     
    Nowadays, it seems I’m working harder than ever before to do everything I possibly can...to feel nothing. Nothing at all.
     
    Because nothing would feel more peaceful than the reality I find myself in.

  • published Normal in Blog 2017-10-21 19:57:11 -0700

    Normal

    This is a late entry. By design.

     

    I wanted to soak in the entirety of this weekend.

     

    For the first time since Linzi had passed…I’d met an entire group of people with whom I shared a very tragic truth: we had, all of us, lost our loves.

     

    There I stood, talking grief, talking life. Not crying or feeling nostalgic. Not making attempts to console the awkwardness of those around me or having to assuage the numerous, automatic and uncertain responses of “I’m so sorry.”

     

    It just felt…normal.  And normal is such a weird word if you think about it.  Some attribute it to meaning the average of whatever subject to which it refers, while others base it upon the opinion of the general population.  I like to think that the idea of normal is very relative to our own perception of what we believe that word to mean.

     

    To me. This was it.

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  • published Views from Auschwitz in Blog 2017-10-14 03:47:44 -0700

    Views from Auschwitz

    Part of me is happy Linzi wasn’t here with me in Poland for this trip. Today we visited Auschwitz. It was emotional. It was eye-opening. It was heavy.

     

    I don’t think she could’ve handled it emotionally. She was such a compassionate and loving woman. The pictures of the victims made her look extremely healthy by comparison.

     

    Auschwitz was a mixture of emotions. I found myself in awe of the magnitude of this tremendous event and the true scope of it all.  It’s hard to fathom something you’ve only read about it in books. Seeing it in person perhaps isn’t even enough to let it sink in.

     

    There were three times I was caught off-guard, dumbfounded, and with no response other than to let fall the tears down my cheeks with futile attempts to suppress them.

     

    I walked past the pile of prosthetics of disabled veterans, killed by the very country they’d fought for years prior in World War I.

     

    I remember walking past the pile of suitcases and bags, packed by unsuspecting multitudes of people who were told to pack for new settlement, paradise even, via propoganda. I noticed their names were written upon them, along with some letters and various numbers. What they stood for, I could not be sure, but one thing it reminded me of that I often forget when reading about these events: 

     

    They had names.

     

    All of them. To me or anyone really they were strangers...but to someone, they were a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a relative, a close friend, a confidante. They had names.

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