I'd like to get on the boat above and sail off into the sunset to a place where I am responsible for nothing and no one needs me. Ever. For anything.
Sometimes the pressure of being the "only parent" feels so intense I can hardly bear it. All decisions are made by me, all responsibility is born by me. I have no partner to lean on when I've had too much. No one to take over when I need a time out. I have to be in it regardless of my readiness or mental state. There is no other option. The buck stops with me.
If I need help there is no one there to see it and offer it. If I need help I have to ask for it. I feel like I'm constantly having to ask for help, get someone's assistance so that I can have even the smallest break. I'm sick of asking. It’s not fair to me that I have to do this alone. It's not fair to Grayson. He doesn't get the best of me. He gets what's left after I work, pay bills, take care of the house, groceries, laundry, dinner, homework, etc. What's left after that? What's left for him? Hell, what's left for me?
I know I'm preaching to the choir, but I guess it helps that you get it. Another chapter in the book of "why it sucks to be widowed". And yes, I would like some cheese to go with my whine. Thanks for listening.