"I don't understand what's happened to me?"
"It's huge. You've finely embraced the life you hadn't planned on."
This quote from a movie just keeps echoing in my brain.
I've noticed that, with quotes and words...they have a way of sticking to the sides of your mind during different parts of our life.
Some temporarily to help you get through the day or empower you to march on, others to bring you comfort in knowing that your pain has been felt by another, and in this case, to remind me that as much as i may have never fathomed it....I'm embracing this life I have.
The funny thing is...I don't understand it either.
I guess it's like most things in my life since Michael was killed...out of nowhere, it just happened.
I guess the only way to describe it is like being in line for a REALLY scary rollercoaster. One that you didn't want to ride but got pulled into line for. Plus on top of that...it's a really looonnnggg line, so any hesitation and fear you have in actually getting on is enhanced by the fact that you must now wait, watch, and either walk through the other coaster-goers (head down of course) back to the entrance you came in through, or stay in line, hope for the best, and take the exit you were made to take. If you decide the latter route, I (at least) am one of those folks that has to ask everyone around me if they have been on this ride before; "Is it scary?", "How many times have you been on it?", "It's not that bad? Are you sure?" and of course, as the questions take place you hear screaming from those who have already met their fate with the metal mammoth. Then I get jumpy like, 'I'm going to do this, woo...yeah!", while secretly hoping that I can play the "I really have to go to the restroom" card.
But then it happens! You look up and the wait is over and you are asked to take your seats (hopefully you'll be sat next to one of the new friends you've made in line). The bars go down and before you can even anticipate anything, you’re zooming off.
That's how life's been after Michael's death. Lots of fear, having to ask others who have been on this ride before, or on for the first time, how they feel about it, and before you know it you're going full speed ahead, with plenty of loops and turns thrown in.
I guess the important thing to do when the ride finally takes off is to put your arms up, keep your eyes open, scream as loud as you can, and when it concludes, if given the chance, get back in line and ride it all over again.
Embrace the life you hadn't planned on.