This week I have been filled with and unexpected strength, I have still cried almost every day but I feel strong within myself for the first time in a long time. I’ve struggled with insomnia since December. Generally waking two or three times a night. It probably doesn’t help that I don’t usually go to be till around 11 and with continuous broken sleep I still somehow cannot sleep in past 6.30am.
The other morning I woke after only four hours sleep, I made myself a coffee and walked outside to gather my thoughts. At first sight I noticed light filled rain drops resting on leaves and with that I was taken back to last year. To the memories of falling asleep with John on hot rainy nights and waking in his arms to vibrant sunny mornings.
With that, I thought to myself there are times in life now that it rains and it pours. Storm clouds roll in and it feels as though they are here to stay. However we weather it out and sunlight inevitably breaks through the dark clouds leaving behind beautiful drops of dew.
We seek light because we know darkness, we find courage because we have felt fear. Hope has a way of creeping in when we feel hopeless. Grab hold of that hope and use it as a platform to rebuild your life.
This new strength began with hope, I found myself walking to the beach thinking or rather talking to John in my head. Saying I hope you’re proud of me, I know you’re proud of me, I will make you proud of me. My hope was that my best friend, the love of my life sees how hopeful I strive to be.
I reread a message from him the other day that said, “One of the things I love most about you is that you always stand up for what you love and if you need to, you will go out in a blaze of glory, a fire fight, and I love it. I love you”.
He believed in me more than most. He loved me the most. Now because of him, I believe in myself and with that I begin to love myself. And as he reminded me, I stand up for and fight for the things I love. So I will fight for myself. My strength comes with not only wanting to make him proud, but also having pride in myself. We are our own worst enemies, but we will never fail as long as we continue to try.
“Never stop to watch the dust settle behind you
Let your soul burn bright
Your shine will light the path for your future”
Even if you have only been existing up unto this point, just look at how far you have made it. Life is filled with exceptional beauty, like dew drops after a wild storm. We just need to search for it. I love the quote “What I have survived, might kill you”. Realise now that you are stronger than you believe yourself to be in the times of darkness. I envy people who have not experienced grief, heartache and trauma but I also have no interest in people who haven’t lived and died a few times in their life. There is nothing more courageous than a person who has been broken, lost it all and pieced it back together with nothing but their broken dreams and cracked skeletons. It is our choice to do this.
You cannot rely on anyone to make you happy. I have to admit though my courage began with wanting to make him proud and then it started to grow into more. I became proud of myself and with that came happiness within myself. Find the happiness within yourself.
“You burn with desire to battle and fight
So do not shy from the adventure of life
Don’t lose your passion, your freedom, your years
Draw out your sword and face all your fears
Stand staunch and be proud of the person you are
When you follow your dreams, you will reach the stars”
As we all know grief is a roller coaster. This week, I feel strong and hopeful. I hope this new found strength stays around to endure the next storm.