Deny

11_19_11.jpgWhen loss strikes, we have a way of denying ourselves of things.

Whether it be the ability to smile since they can't smile. The ability to see all the impact that they're life left by focusing on the fact that they were taken so suddenly. The ability to celebrate life's happenings, since they are not there to celebrate it with you. Our ability to look ourselves in the mirror and like who we now are, because we're too focused on who we were before tragedy struck.

They're just a few things that I did and denied myself of.

I think I had to...it was necessary.

It was in denying myself of the life that I still had before me that I realized that I still wanted to live it.

Piece by piece, day and month and year by year, I find I'm not putting back together what should have or could have been....but embracing what is.

A part of me died the day Michael died, and I dragged that corpse behind me, letting its weight wear me down. But not all of me died.

It was with that knowledge that life has become one I oddly and peculiarly enjoy.

One case in point: I've recently picked up training. At the gym...outside...on my floor.

I was in such great shape when Michael was alive. I had him to look good for. I had a me I loved I wanted to take care of.

I never fully let myself go, as I always wanted to represent Michael in semi-decent shape. But I never pushed myself past that. Why should I?

But now, now I don't deny myself the ability to love me again. As I kind of like her. And I sweat. And I see myself changing physically and mentally. And I laugh that I ever denied myself of this. Yet I smile, as I now know just how much I'll cherish that I got to the place I am now.

Someone once said that in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness. I couldn't agree more, but it's in recognizing the suffering and denial we place on ourselves that I truly believe makes the journey one we look back on with a smile...with the knowledge we made it through.

 


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