Day Of Birth

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Day of birth. A day to celebrate life, at least it use to be. The person I was prior to grief made a big fuss over birthdays. Now I only wish I could fast forward past the day all together. Escape the impending date somehow.

He would have turned 30.

 

I would have thrown a surprise party, filling our home with orange helium balloons, but more than that, fill his day with love.

How painful and unfair it is now that this day is no longer a celebration of life but rather a life lived…

 

The impending day is a punch in the gut and I feel sick at just the thought of it. There is nothing I can do to escape it as much as I try.

 

This week I am angry but at the same time I feel numb!

“I wanted to write exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty, and I could not have described it any better.”

 

I struggle to find the words to describe my emotions this week. I struggle to write about it at all. I guess that says a lot right there. 

 

Then this morning a quote popped up in my news feed that read “Write what should not be forgotten”

 

Life should not be forgotten.

Thoughts of his birthday last year flood my mind. The restaurant we went to for dinner that I will never go back to. The two hour drive to our destination eating MacDonald’s, lollies and listening to loud music in the car. The frustration that he couldn’t read a map. The conversations we lost ourselves in. The hotel we stayed at for a romantic weekend getaway. The seedy kebabs we ate on the side of the road at 3am because we drank too much. The smiles and laughter we shared watching intoxicated tourists stumble home. The silly photos we took. The quick clothing change in the car at the petrol station. The smile I wore watching arm wrestles at a family BBQ. The plate he licked clean because his legs were hollow. The pink shirt he wore so confidently. The mischief and shenanigans we got ourselves into. The pure happiness that was our life together.

 

These memories would normally make me smile and fill me with gratitude, but right now in this moment they only bring me pain. Because it’s so unfair that we don’t get to do it all again.

 

“Some people don’t know what they have until it’s gone”

 

“But what about the ones who do know? The ones who never took a damn thing for granted? Who tried their hardest to hold on? Who lived and loved in the moment? Who lost the thing they loved the most.

Isn’t it so much worse for them?” Lang Leav

 

Defeated and numb is how I feel.


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  • commented 2016-10-09 12:09:49 -0700
    Im so sorry Alicia, our stories are quite similar. John and i were also high school sweethearts who only reunited the year he passed away. Yes we are grateful but we feel robbed of our time. We should be living a full life.
    Two and a half weeks is very fresh and not too much helps to ease how you feel right now, please know you are not alone in this. About 2 weeks after my love passed i started writing in a journal all the memories we had made over the time that we had gotten to share together. I had journals from high school and there were things in it that i had forgotten we did. The journals soon after became letters to him. And each night for hours i would write to him about everything. Every emotion, every memory. I know you will find support and understanding here. Im so sorry you lost him, it never goes away but we learn to live with it. We adjust to life with grief and it is both beautiful and brutal. You will smile again, you will laugh again i promise, hold on beautiful. Sending you all my love and strength. Xox
  • commented 2016-10-08 05:36:28 -0700
    I lost my fiance after only 4 months of dating. We went to high school together and ran into each other 20 years later. He confessed he had a crush on me back then. He wasn’t about to let me go again. We dated and after a mere few weeks we knew we were soul mates. We were planning to get married next year. He was the man I waited my whole life for. At 35, I’d refused to settle and I finally met the man I was going to get old and gray with. He was everything I wanted. He loved me with every fiber of his being.

    He passed 2 and half weeks ago, due to a congenital connective tissue disorder. He was in the ICU for 20 hellish days only to lose the fight. Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe this. I’m already tired of people offering me platitudes. How time heals all wounds. How I should be grateful for the short time we had.
    I am grateful, but the memories are painful because we were so busy planning our future we took the present for granted. We thought we had forever. I wish I could go back and take back every stupid fight. Cherish him even more.
    So how do I get through this? How do I live without him? The future is a bleak and scary place.