It’s Saturday night as I write to you all. Today started out rough. The anticipation of Mother’s Day looming always gets to me. It's no surprise - I've been dealing with some of the triggers of this holiday for over 20 years since I lost my mom young. But there are more layers these days, leaving it even tougher at times to navigate. Thoughts of wishing my mom were here to share in my current life. Thoughts of all the other mother figures in my life, who I now live so far away from. Thoughts of Shelby, who seems to breeze through such days with incredible ease, yet still I wonder… is there a moment here and there when she is thinking of and missing her mom? Moments when it’s hard? Or is she like I was, too busy being a kid to really stop and feel all of that at such an age?
There are thoughts of Mike’s wife, Megan, and how much I adore her family and simultaneously feel like she should be here to be celebrated and honored instead of me. There are even passing thoughts of children I might have had with Drew, and what our Mother’s Days would have been like. And of all my widowed friends who did or did not have children that this day is also so hard for. To say the least, it’s a complex day that seems to have a trigger coming at me from every angle.
I tried to shake my somber morning mood, to no avail. Eventually, I collapsed into Mike’s arms in a teary heap. The cry helped some. We didn’t say a word - there were no words. I am grateful for someone I can fall apart with who already knows on certain days what it’s about, without me having to say a thing. If there is anything the hard days remind me, it’s how wonderful life is to have given me two such people in my lifetime already. A reminder that, even though we may lose a love so beautiful, we may gain another just as beautiful and know even more deeply how cherished it is.
After a few hours and a few more teary moments, my mood started to lift. We went on to have a surprisingly good day road-tripping up to the lake to explore a new area. It was a wonderful little beachy town, complete with surf shops and tiki bars - and felt so much like my coastal hometown back in Texas. The whole feel of the place lifted my spirits. A few margaritas, feet in the sand and the sun on my face certainly did just the trick. We walked by one shop and I had to get a photo of the shirt they had hanging outside - the quote was so fitting for my day.
I guess some days all you can do is have a good cry, sip on a tasty drink, and take a break from life for a little while.