Sorry for another movie reference, but this one has been on my mind. Remember the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks? I was reminded of this movie just last week because of a dream I had. Remember how in the movie he returns after being presumed dead for years? His girlfriend of many years has married, and she now has a child, a family...she's moved on. He's devastated, and so is she. I remember watching that movie years before I could imagine her loss, and thinking how horrible that would be. In a way I experienced her conundrum last week.
I dreamed Daniel came back to life - and in my dream I was trying to figure out how to explain him to Carl. He already knew about Carl (he'd been watching from Heaven), and didn't need an explanation. It was surreal. Although I never actually saw Daniel in my dream (he had scheduled a meeting with me but we'd not yet met), I was aware that he expected me to make a choice. I was pissed really. I was pissed at him. How dare he come back after all these years and think he could ask me to choose? In the dream I was also waiting for his judgment on how I'd been living my life without him. I was angry in the dream, and it stayed with me after I woke up. It took me a couple of hours after I woke up to shake the thought of it.
It was interesting to consider the possibility. What would he think of who I am now? I'm different. My life without him has changed me, losing him changed me. How much I can't really say, but I know that the new me is a better me in some ways - stronger, more self-sufficient, more focused; and in other ways maybe not better - less tolerant of bullshit, more direct in my communication (not always in a good way), harder, less cautious. He might not approve of the new me, but I think he probably would. What's most important now is that I approve, and thankfully, most days I do.