If you’ve been following the slow-motion event that is the foreclosure on my home here in Hawaii, there is an update. The commissioner who was appointed to handle the auction did a site inspection today. I am waiting to hear the dates for the two open houses she is required to hold, probably in November. Soon after that, auction will be scheduled and held. After it is confirmed that it was sold by the court…that’s it. We vacate.
Even though I knew it was coming, I still collapsed in tears today. This has been my home for 16 years…12 of them happy years with my husband. And I am grateful I’ve had nearly five more, and much of that time has been shared with my boyfriend…who is being extremely gracious, generous and supportive, by the way.
It hurts. It all hurts. Leaving the place infused with Mike’s energy…the only home my dogs have known…all the memories…and yet, I know in my heart it’s time to move on. Time to go forward in life, take what I’ve learned, take my memories and stake out a new chapter.
Doesn’t mean it’s easy. Doesn’t mean it doesn't hurt. Depending on what size rental we can find in Kona that will take dogs, I may or may not be staying a few more months. Because it’s not just that I feel my future lies elsewhere, in a place with more opportunity, and closer to family. It’s that my family really needs me right now. My dad is in assisted living due to his dementia, and mom is alone in the house, and alone dealing with him and all that means. All that totally sucks too.
I have so many decisions to make. What to keep, what to sell. What to leave behind. In the end though, stuff is stuff. Leaving behind my boyfriend and my dogs, and this place with so many memories of Mike, will be hardest. His career is here, so what happens with us remains to be seen. So yes, our hearts are breaking.
Four years and almost eight months after Mike’s death, I’m still dealing with the transition. I realize now that it could be that the rest of my life will be this way. I will never stop transitioning from a place of loss. On the other hand, I will admit that I feel much stronger now than I did four years ago. I have come back to myself in many ways. I could never have done this two years ago. Its hard now…it would have been harder then.
Someday, when all is settled at least out of limbo land, I will sit in my new space with a glass of wine and ponder what I’ve been through and how I got from here to there.
But until then, I can only look towards the hard work, both physical and emotional, that I will have to go through until I get there.