I was talking to someone the other day about the change in my perspective on things. Many things have changed in my life and in my mind since December 18, 2007. The biggest thing that has changed is my sense of fear. It seems that I don't have one. I wonder if it will come back?Read more
Well the countdown is over and today is the day. Four years ago today I watched my husband die when only moments before, he had asked me to climb into the hospital bed with him and he’d told me how hard this battle was for him and how much he loved me. We thought we were leaving the hospital the next day; he was only in for dehydration issues from his chemo. We’d only just been told he had 6 months to 2 years. We thought we had more time. We were wrong.Read more
For Halloween this year each of my teenagers were occupied with their own pursuits. What used to be a kid focused holiday full of parental supervision, has become a mom on her own holiday hoping the kids are safe throughout the festive night. Though my boys were close by, I found myself sitting on the back of my car handing out candy at our Church carnival. Alone.Read more
I'm not really sure why I'm sharing these vignettes. Maybe so you know me, know him? I think that somehow if you know us, his death will mean something more to you. And if it means something more to you then it will, in a weird way, not be such a loss. Another widow friend of mine calls this Widow Mouth. It's when a widow shares the whole story of how she became widowed over and over and over again, all details included, in an effort to make it more real, or less hurtful or ________ (fill in your reason here). But the real purpose of Widow Mouth is to feel more at peace.Read more
In the first days after being widowed, I was much like a young child. Oblivious to the world around me. Completely in my own little realm - though not one of wonder but of grief and fear. My existence was confusing. I didn’t understand what had happened. I relied on others to care for me. To make sure I was fed, clothed, and essentially, breathing.Read more
After traveling the last 18 hours, I have arrived home! Ireland was amazing and lived up to all of my dreams and expectations (though I had set none). From Cork to the Wicklow mountains, I compiled a dictionaries worth of memories.Read more
some of us
about madeline’s long fingers.
that she should be a
“just like her momma”
Last week I wrote about my sons and the likeness each one has of Jim. I mentioned that I have let the boys go through Jim's clothes.
Well, I've decided that I can't make up my mind about that, either.
I want Jim's clothes to do more than just sit in a closet. I think.
I want the boys to be able to have something of their dad's and to be able to wear some of his clothes. I think.
I like seeing the boys wearing Jim's clothes and bringing back memories of him. I think.Read more
So here I sit, 7 days til the anniversary. I am absolutely beyond swamped at work (could I have more meetings and more documents to review??) and overwhelmed with personal commitments as well - a funeral (no, they never stop, and they are always sad), two evening meetings, basketball, Halloween parties, homework, and that is just to get me to Friday. Calgon, take me away!Read more
I loved being married. Knowing that I shared a commitment with my husband to face life together, come what may, was a daily comfort to me. I didn't miss dating; I didn't long for freedom; I didn't feel limited; I didn't fear slipping into complacency. Looking back, I even miss the hard work that was required to create a harmonious union. Phil and I weren't the picture of married perfection, but even our imperfections were unique to us, and I miss those too (well, sometimes).Read more