50 Days Before His Death

10_25_09.jpgThese posts are from February 2009, all within 50 days of his death and my second beginning.

February 18, 209

Happy Birthday to Art

58 Days Before His Death

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My Other Car is a Porsche

10_24_09.jpgYou know those bumper stickers that say things like, “My Other Car is a Porsche?” The implication is that the driver isn’t quite satisfied with their real car and that they have a much nicer one parked at home. I can appreciate this sentiment.

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Not Feeling It

10_23_09.jpgThere are many days, weeks and months that the grief that was born after Jeff's death has crippled me. Days that no matter what I do, the sadness and loss steal over me and infect every thought and movement with pain. Weeks where I can feel nothing but the ache that has accompanied this journey and months in which the sorrow manages to reek despite all my attempts to banish it.
But I also have days where I am stuck, floating, unsure of any feeling at all. I know the pain lurks somewhere below. I am aware that I am hurting and broken. But I am unable to feel.

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what happened...

10_22_09.jpgi’ve been hearing

that question

a lot.

so…

for those of you 

who don’t know

here goes…

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I Can't Make Up My Mind .... Part 1

10_21_09.JPG.... I really can't. Not about everything, but by a couple of kind of big things, one of which I have no control over whatsoever: my sons and their similarities with their Dad.

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The Value of a Friend (part One Million and One...)

10_20_09.jpgThese are the faces of a few of the women who celebrated 40 with me in Vegas... interestingly enough, all of them had read last week's blog and were still brave enough to go! Thanks guys! I'm not usually as black as last week, and I think I stirred up a few worries with that post. It is what it is, and most of the people in my life get it, or at least want to. I am very blessed.

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Awkward

10_19_09.jpgWhen I meet people for the first time I feel like I am keeping a secret from them. Looking at me, they would never guess what I am hiding. I can carry on an intelligent and interesting conversation without revealing the circumstance of which my new acquaintance is unaware. Depending on who they are I may even artfully dodge inquiries that would lead to the revelation of the unknown thing. I have become very good at changing the subject, saving people from embarrassing moments, and steering conversations onto safe territory. 

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Julie Andrews and Starting From The Beginning

10_18_09.jpgLike Matt, I realize I need to start from the beginning. Art and I were married for 14 years. We have three children. On August 24, 2006 he was diagnosed with Large B Cell Lymphoma, Stage IV, primarily in his lungs. He was an athlete. In March 2007 we were told he was in remission.

We lived apprehensively at first, always fighting right before he had to have tests. Always making love the night before his appointment because we knew he was clear. (Doctors really don't call with good news!)

On January 12, 2009, less than two years of being cancer free, it was discovered that the cancer had returned and was stage IV.

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Once In a Lifetime

Michael and I always wanted to see the world with each other.

We had it all planned out.  After he and I graduated, we would go to Europe and start our travels. From Greece to tropical terrains, we'd see it all (leaving a few places for after retirement) and then head back and start our family.

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what to lose when it's all lost

10_16_09.jpgIf I take an inventory of all of Jeff's things that I have clung to, stored for safe keeping or discarded since he died, I realize that to an outsider, these items would seem like random detritus. Debris. Maybe even junk.
I have managed to let go of many of his 'collections'. The plastic Stanley Cups he collected from some fastfood restaurant. A couple of his hats. A few nicknacks.
But there are items that I look at and wonder at the strange eccentricity of my sentimentality.

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