pocket dialing

01_28_10.jpghappy 10-week birthday.

monday was the day

that my perfect baby

transformed into

little miss fuss.

she cried almost the

entire day.

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Instinct

01_27_10.jpgLast week one of my children experienced a tragedy.

This child called me within minutes of the experience.

I listened to him, stunned at what had happened and not believing what he had gone through.

My very first thought, my first instinct .... was that I had to call Jim.

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Then and Now

01_26_10.jpgI spent some time last week reading through my old journal. I wrote in it almost every day for a year after Daniel died. Every once in a while I read through it to remind myself of how far I've come. It's been over a year since I've looked at it, and it was some rough reading. I felt so sorry for that poor woman (yes, me). It was painful to relive those moments and read the anguish in my words. Sometimes, I still feel that intense anguish, fortunately most of the time it is a low level regret and sadness.

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Presumed Dead

01_25_10.JPGI have an internal panic switch which is automatically activated whenever anyone I love, know, am briefly acquainted with, or maybe even have only heard about on the evening news is not where they are supposed to be. Any and all types of missing people are presumed dead, by me, immediately. 

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My Truth

01_24_10.JPG(From December 09)

I had a drink tonight with someone who reminded me to speak my truth.
The truth is today was another day.
The truth is the eight month anniversary is nothing but a date.
The truth is I once stopped counting days. I will now stop counting months.

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Yep, that's me...

I miss the quirky awkwardness that was all ours.

The waking up in the morning and making up songs about the cereal I was about to eat. The moments where he'd surprise me....not with roses, but fried okra.

Giggling like teenagers as we snuck out to fool around in random parking lots.

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ode to your toothbrush

01_22_10.JPGIf the toothbrush holder is a reflection of the household occupants, people would think that we were the perfect family of four. A girl, a boy, a mommy, a daddy.

All of our toothbrushes stand huddled together in the cup. 

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no tears

01_21_10.jpgwhile friend johnny utah 

was out for a run (obviously he is crazy),

maddie and I started walking toward

the playground.

saw a mom, a dad.

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Finding Balance.....

01_20_10.jpeg..... seems to be life-long process, doesn't it?

We try to find balance between school work and fun, then between marriage and work, then between marriage and work and children.

For the past two years I've struggled to find balance between grieving and living.

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The Numbers Keep Growing

01_19_10.JPGWhat's that old joke? This must be Heaven, people are just dying to get in here....

People aren't dying to get into our club, but membership requires that sacrifice of a loved one. Before I found Michele, and all of the rest of my widowed friends, I thought it was just me. Only I had lost my husband young. Only I was left to care for a child alone. Only I cried until my stomach muscles were so sore I could hardly breathe. Only I was left to figure out what kind of life was still possible for me.

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