Becoming, and now, Become~

A week ago I attended a gathering of women called Where Womyn Gather.  In those 4 days of celebration I connected with scores of women as we stood around huge bonfires in the night that were not just bonfires but sacred fires lit by women known as fire tenders;  fires kept burning day and night so we could gather at any hour.

We had rituals under the starry skies in which we faced each of 13 directions, palms out, and summoned the spirits of each direction to join us at the fire.  Workshops helped us discover musical tones through the chakras, helped us connect with our inner magic and goddesses, offered us crone naming rituals that brought us to a place of owning our power and authority as older women, as we were honored by our younger counterparts who waved leafy boughs over us as the winds blew around us.  And the gathering gave us a wild night of dancing with drums and tambourines and spinning and swirling and circling under the night skies again, united in our strength as women. 

Those days opened the doors of my heart and soul and introduced me to the magic and power within me.  Power that comes from Love;  Love borne from the love story Chuck, and I shared for our 24 years.  I took a name in my croning ritual that reflects the hugeness of my story with him.  I chose the moniker Love Warrior. 

I also had my natal chart and current horoscope read that weekend.  It was awesome to listen to this woman read my chart and feel as if I were reading my own biography. She nailed my personality down in every way, and helped me understand the planets and stars and Universe as it applied to me.  When she read my current horoscope it only affirmed and confirmed for me that I am, and that I have been, for these past years since Chuck died, on the exact road that is right for me, and it strengthened my confidence that I must continue my Odyssey of Love.

It is difficult to explain any of what is in my heart in a way that makes sense.  What is driving me is amorphous and intangible and, financially, makes no sense.  And yet…I know I’m on the right road, literally, and that it will all be okay somehow for me, as long as I keep trusting in the love that Chuck left behind for me.

I have so, so, much Love inside of me that has nowhere to go, now that Chuck is dead.  And yet it’s in my heart and my soul and my body and it must be expressed because, well, it is so powerful that I cannot contain it any longer.  It simply must be expressed.

But how to express it when the man I love is no longer here with me?  That’s the question, isn’t it?

What I know now is that I must take the Love that Chuck had for me, the Love that he and I shared, and become that Love.  Honestly, it feels as if the Love is pouring over the dam, seeping out the sides, and pushing through holes that have broken through it and I have to open it all up because it’s happening anyways, so why have the dam in the first place?  All of who I am is purely and completely what I have on the side of my car and trailer-*Nothin’ but Love* and it must be sent outward.  Outward wherever it is needed.

More than ever, I know, as I have from the beginning, that I’m not in charge of this Odyssey.  I’m just the driver and always always always I must keep my heart open so that I know where to drive, where to turn, where to stop, where to offer hugs.

Have you ever just known what you’re supposed to be doing and you don’t know how you’re going to do it or manage it but you know you have to do it?  When it doesn’t necessarily make sense but you have to trust in something bigger than yourself so you just do it?

I trust in the Love that Chuck and I shared, and I trust in the Love he left behind for me.  And more than ever now, it is fueling me in this Odyssey.  What is different now is that I’m no longer the passenger.  I’m now in the driver’s seat.

I’m stepping into my new moniker and enveloping myself in Love, more fully than ever.

I’m the Love Warrior.

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