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My heart hurts tonight. And last night. And the night before. 

It just hurts. 

I feel sad. I feel scared. I feel everything. 

Remember those first few weeks and months after the loss, when you literally spent all of your time going from sobbing so hard that you gave yourself a migraine - to sitting on your bed or in a chair and staring at the wall for hours upon end? When you tried to get through the day at work, or get through doing even the slightest task, or get through anything at all, but you couldnt focus on anything else except that they were dead and your heart felt like it had been shoved up inside of your torso? Yeah. That. 

I'm back there again. Its been almost 5 years, and Im right back there again. 

Back to start. 

I don't mean to be vague in this post, but I really have to be. There are other people's feelings and emotions involved, and other people's lives and experiences, and I just can't get into specifics here and I'm really sorry about that. I highly doubt that this person will ever read this anyway, but on the tiny off-chance that he will, I have to stick to just writing about my own feelings and keeping the rest vague. 

So I will just tell you all, my widowed community / family / friends, that I really need you right now. I really need you to all tell me that it will all end up okay, and that it won't always hurt like this, and that one day, someone besides my forever dead husband, will be up for loving me again. Tell me that I won't have to be alone forever, that I can be broken with someone else, and we can be broken together.  Even if you don't believe these things to be true, tell me anyway. Tell me it's going to be okay.

I had a new something with someone, and now I think I may have gone and screwed it all up somehow. I said too  much. I feel too much. I scare people away with my enthusiasm. I frighten them with my inability to not express the way I am feeling. I said the wrong thing. Too many things. I messed it all up, and now I just miss my friend. And at the same exact time, that just makes me miss my best friend - my husband. And then I get really sad because my best friend is still dead, and my new friend has gone silent. 

I miss the life I had. I miss my husband and all of our simplicities. I miss everything just being easy. Yes, we struggled financially. Yes, we didn't have much. Yes, we didn't get to realize our dreams together. But the truth is, life with my husband was easy. It was beautiful, simple, effortless, and easy. He was easy. He was like a breath of fresh air. He was easy to deal with as a human being. He rarely got angry at anything. He rarely got flustered. He didn't believe in resentment or bitterness, even though he had plenty of reason to feel both. He never blamed his shitty father for being a shitty father, or his batshit crazy mother for being batshit crazy. He approached everything and everyone with tenderness and love and kindness. We never had fights. I literally do not remember arguing with him ever. A few heated discussions over the years about important things - disagreements - but that's it. He never yelled. And he was patient. He was the poster child for patient. When we met, I was so screwed up, and he was patient beyond words with me. Life with him was so damn good. And easy. And then gone. 

This new life, this life after-loss, it is so damn hard. Everything is so damn hard. Why does everything have to be so fucking hard? Everything is so complicated. Family. Jobs. Friends. Memories. Grief. Healing. Starting again. And again. Opening your heart. Feeling rejected. Trying not to take things personally. Working through past "stuff" that keeps haunting you. The possibilities of newness. The very idea of maybe loving again. Every single cell of it is hard. 

Since my husband died, I can count on one hand the number of days that have felt simple, peaceful, zen. I am so tired. Tired from living. Tired from trying again. Tired from helping other people try again. Tired from acting like I don't need just as much help as everyone else. Tired from being inspirational, when half the time, I just want so badly to be held and needed and protected. Tired from being so tired. 

I don't know what else to say. I'm just tired. 

Can you guys do me a favor? Just for this one time? Can you please not need for me to be the hopeful one, or the one who gives all of the others some hope? Can you please just sit with me in my pain, and just let me freely feel it, and not ask one other thing of me than to sit here in a ball of nothing and cry? I just don't have the energy right now to tell myself it will be okay. I will need you all to do that for me. Because my heart hurts tonight. 

 

 


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  • commented 2016-04-11 12:03:16 -0700
    Kelly – I don’t know you from adam. I am not a widow. I lost my son 4 years ago and with him went every piece of my heart. I am so sorry for all you have gone thru – this just sucks big time. Honestly I have no F**KING idea what God is doing up there. No idea at all. When good people have to suffer like this and the good ones are taken from us…..I don’t know. It just hurts like a hot knife going thru butter. Just wanted to say how sorry I am. Thanks for listening. You are a good person who has given so much to the world already.
  • commented 2016-04-10 07:48:07 -0700
    Kelly,

    I read this and it brings me back to when our dogs were sick (we were dog people) and when she was sick and when she was in the coma, and all I kept hearing from Arlene and her sister was that “You can’t fall apart”. So when is my turn? We all need that “maintenance” at some point. So if you need to, do it.
  • commented 2016-04-09 19:19:29 -0700
    I am so sorry for your pain, Kelly Lynn. For me, it will be five years a week from today. Moises died the day before Palm Sunday. With Easter early this year, it has just been a rough few weeks. I understand so much of what you wrote. Sometimes we just need NOT to be strong.

    Today, I had a Facebook memory show up. Five years ago today, my high school bestie was vacationing nearby and decided to show up and surprise us. I hadn’t seen her for twenty years and it means so much NOW that she met Moises. But so bittersweet that he died just a week later.

    I left work “sick” one day last week and called in the next. I still have a week to go and I don’t want to leave the house or do anything that’s “good” for me.

    Then, I am reminded that Moises is in Heaven and I cannot wait for that reunion. I am tired of being strong for my three kids, but the truth is, God is my strength. He has given me peace of mind, providing consistent work and place to live for us. Providing friends that I can just be myself around. Honestly, I want to be more upset than I am, but I just feel blessed.

    Praying for all of you tonight. My God give each of us the peace of mind and the strength that we need to get through this mess.
  • commented 2016-04-09 18:32:12 -0700
    You are all so amazing. Thank you. No energy to write much else right now, except thank you. Long day of being “strong” and out in public pretending all is okay, so now its time to go cry some more …. thank you for being here. I love you all.
  • commented 2016-04-09 14:31:34 -0700
    Another widowed friend of mine here in Kona asked me last night if I’d read your post this week; I said yes, and we shared a quiet moment of understanding. She’s not really an internet person and doesn’t comment, but she reads all of us here at Widow’s Voice faithfully every morning, even after her 12 years into it…and she has been through several hurtful mis-starts with dating and it’s so painful. Let’s face it: it takes an awful lot to put ourselves out there and it hurts on so many levels when it doesn’t work. We are so fragile. Like I wrote recently, a new relationship can never replace our loves and doesn’t fix that hole in our hearts…but it’s pretty damn nice to have someone to talk to and do things with. So Kelley, this whole thing just sucks, and you are most definitely in our thoughts. Our hearts are hurting with you.
  • commented 2016-04-09 09:08:15 -0700
    It’s all going to be ok! You just be you. You get to feel everything you need to…you don’t need to be anything for anybody else. It’s totally on to need to be held, comforted, protected. It’s OK to want a pair of loving arms to hold you gently while you cry. All of tbis…..it’s OK! Pouring out tons iof love your way! I hope you can feel all the love we are all sending you! (((((Hugs)))))
  • commented 2016-04-09 03:03:48 -0700
    Big hugs lovely. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I think you’re wonderful and brave and amazing and I’m really freaking sorry you’re hurting. xoxo
  • commented 2016-04-08 22:16:23 -0700
    Here with you. Right here. Right now.
  • commented 2016-04-08 20:09:07 -0700
    Love your comment, Carrie and couldn’t agree more.
  • commented 2016-04-08 19:33:58 -0700
    Kelley, let us sit with you, let us hold your space, let us pour love and energy your way. You do not have to be inspirational, you do not have to spread hope, you do not have to do anything but be exactly who you are and where you are at this very moment. I would take away your pain if I could. Just know that all I need, all any of us need is for you to be you and let us hold you up.
  • commented 2016-04-08 18:47:38 -0700
    Read your post. Crying now. Of course you don’t have to be the strong, up beat one, but you WILL be okay. You’ve already experienced hell and you will get through this too. This can’t possibly be worse than Don dying. Know that we love you and support you without question.

    I asked myself the same question a short while ago – why does everything have to be so damn hard – even the good stuff! And being tired – so tired 1 – yes! Life with Brian was easy. It had a familiar rhythm. Now some kind of rhythm has to be created again – if that is possible and if I have the energy to do it.

    Take care of yourself, Kelley. Know that you are loved for exactly who you are. Use every support system you have including and especially this one and know that you are a special, loveable woman.
  • commented 2016-04-08 18:15:28 -0700
    Kelley, I am cradling you in my heart, sitting with you in your pain, protecting you from feeling like one huge, hurting nerve that is aching and giving rise to all the terrible feelings that are racking your mind, heart, body, and soul. It WILL be okay, it really, really will be okay. But for now, just know you are loved – feel the caress of caring, of empathy, of love, and know you are surrounded with a mighty posse of so many who understand and would give anything to take your fear and your pain from you.
  • commented 2016-04-08 14:24:28 -0700
    Kelley: Of course you can take time off from being the hopeful one. You, who have given all of us such hope and such inspiration every week, deserve nothing less than to sit back and be the one that is held and protected. Rest my friend, cry as much as you have to, be tired for as long as you need to and know that we are all in this together and let us give back to you.
  • commented 2016-04-08 11:43:47 -0700
    Kelley,

    You can put your pompoms down today and we can be your cheerleaders. Just like Michele said at camp we hold the bitter with the sweet. I am tired of the bitter and yes it sucks. You will be ok. Hang in there. We get it. We understand. Hugs to you girlfriend.
  • commented 2016-04-08 11:11:08 -0700
    Cyber hugs for you Kelley. Everything will be okay. Give yourself plenty of tlc and take life a minute at a time.
  • commented 2016-04-08 09:07:50 -0700
    But, damn, that black hole is so very big, dark, and overwhelming when we lose again—a relationship we thought we could count on, a dream, a plan, another person who dies. . . . Hang in there, Kelley!
  • commented 2016-04-08 09:06:25 -0700
    But, damn, that black hole is so very big, dark, and overwhelming when we lose again—a relationship we thought we could count on, a dream, a plan, another person who dies. . . . Hang in there, Kelley!
  • commented 2016-04-08 08:00:18 -0700
    Sitting with you in your pain, Kelley. Yes, no matter how hard our life was like in the past, it is nothing compared to this. Everything takes so much effort, and for what? We get it, we get where you’re at, and yes, there will be better days ahead. There will be challenging times like this too, but you will get stronger, and each time those challenges will be easier to face and move on. Picking up the pieces over and over again isn’t easy, but somehow those pieces will fit together again for you. It will be okay.
  • commented 2016-04-08 05:06:09 -0700
    Oh, Kelley, I hurt with you. You are perfect the way you are, and this ease you describe with your beloved late husband IS the ease you deserve with yourself, with a special someone. Life can’t promise this special someone will find you, and that in itself is devastating. If it helps, I went through something very similar 5 years out. I fell in love; I mean hook line and sinker. Two feet off the ground joy. Relief that I could feel such powerful love for someone and he could for me …. oops…the ‘he could for me’ was less deeply established. He pulled back, and as we explored his desires within a relationship with me, I found they didn’t match what I knew I was capable of. I broke it off, and man, did it open my floodgates. Three months I cried, deep racking sobs, like you describe. I was crying for the sweetness I knew was possible, and for my yearning to live in this sweetness again. Finally my tears were spent. This man did give me a gift – cracking my heart open. Though he didn’t give me permanence along with it, it is always good when a heart cracks open to love. This experience set me on a journey to live with a cracked open heart (which I didn’t know at the time, but see now six years later). My journey has been to open my heart to the little one inside me, who so desperately needed and needs love she never got and got for a blessed time with my late husband. With lots of soul searching and therapy, I have a growing, tender, occasional ‘two feet off the ground’ love for her (me). Mega appreciation for little ‘ol me. I’d like to think that finding someone besides me who appreciates and loves me will be the cherry on top of that. I don’t know because I haven’t met the cherry on top. In any case the circle of love goes round inside me, and I begrudge circumstances less, because I’m erasing the impediments to joyous love inside myself. So, yes, Kelley, it does get better when our hearts crack open, even though tears flow alongside. Much love and hope to you.
  • commented 2016-04-08 02:00:12 -0700
    I’m so sorry for you Kelley. Don’t punish yourself right now. Please allow yourself to live in the moment. There will be better times! You deserve it!
  • commented 2016-04-08 00:31:33 -0700
    It will be ok, YOU will be ok. Yes it sucks right now, and it will suck tomorrow, but one minute at a time it will pass. You and I and every other person who shares this journey are walking through it together. We just keep moving forward. Love is strength, lean on it. We all love you Kelley.

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