Anchor

I went to the doctor today. I know. That doesn't sound like a big deal, but believe me, in my world, it is. When my husband died suddenly just under 4 years ago, we were living paycheck to paycheck. We shared his beat up old car to get to our jobs, and we had nothing in savings. We lived in a crappy and small apartment in New Jersey, and we were both stressed out and overworked. He was working two jobs to try and get us out of that "struggling" lifestyle, and start bringing us on a road to a better life together. We were working toward something. And then he dropped dead. 

Right after my husband died, I lost my health insurance. He was a paramedic, and I was covered under his plan, so that all went away in an instant.  I couldnt afford to stay in our apartment since now it was just my paycheck coming in, so eventually, I had to move. I had to get a roommate too. And then, when that roommate ended up being a psycho jerk who kicked me out 6 months after I moved in, I had to move again and get another roommate. And then I had to sell my husband's car. And then my brother bought me another used car for a couple thousand bucks, and eventually, that car sort of died too, and I had to sell it. Now, 4 years later, here I am in Queens New York with a roommate and no car, the same part-time teaching job I had when my husband was alive, plus some other work I have picked up over the years, and slowly but surely picking up the pieces of my life again. Creating a life again. 

I still have no health insurance. Still cant afford it, and I dont qualify for any help. (The government says I make "too much money". Someone pick me up off the floor once I stop laughing.) I havent seen a dentist in over 4 years, I cant afford new or even basic clothing for myself, so things like bras and shoes and other important things are worn down and don't fit well. I do not have a regular doctor, and my "health insurance plan" consists of hoping like hell that nothing bad happens to me, like, ever. So, yes, going to see a doctor is kind of a big deal. 

Ive been having lots of issues healthwise, since losing my husband. Some of the issues came on suddenly, and some happened over time.  Weird things that I definitely didnt experience or face before his death, are now suddenly part of my life. I have developed ezcema. It comes and goes throughout the year, but its mostly on my arms and legs. I have vertigo, which also comes around whenever it feels like it, and then leaves again. I'm a stress eater and an emotional eater, so I have absolutely slowly gained weight since his death, and I was NOT in good shape to begin with. Today I saw a rhumatologist. A specialist that my good friend who is in the mental health field hooked me up with. This doctor was willing to see me at no charge and do tons of blood work on me to see what the hell might be going on. I have had this weird problem lately with my legs. As in, they feel super heavy and impossible to lift. When I climb steps or walk uphill or long distances, it feels as if each leg is a giant bag filled with bricks. Standing from a sitting position is tiring, and even tying my sneakers is tiring and difficult, due to the position my leg is in while doing that. It hurts. This has been going on for months now, and I had no idea what to do about it. And of course, I am freaking out. Convincing myself that I have lupus or M.S. or some other horrible thing, because why the hell cant I lift my legs? When Don was alive, I used to have random things wrong with me all the time, and it would ALWAYS turn out to be nothing, and I would panic, and he would calm me down. He was my anchor in all things. He always made me feel better. I would feel a weird lump on my back and then I would make him feel it too, and I would panic. "What is it, Boo? What if its cancer or a tumor? What If Im dying?" He would laugh and say "Youre not dying Boo. Youre fine. " And I was always fine. Even if I wasnt fine, I had my anchor. My husband. My world. He would take care of me and get me through it and we would be a team and face it together. 

Today I went to the doctor alone. I came home alone. I didnt have my anchor to talk things over with, to rid my fears with. I wont get the bloodwork results back for another few days or more. Until then, I guess I just sit in silence with my anxiety,and try not to freak out about all the possibilities. But man, life sure is a whole lot easier when there are two. 


Showing 8 reactions

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  • commented 2015-06-30 17:53:46 -0700
    THanks all. Still no results on the tests. Still waiting. I will let you know.
  • commented 2015-06-27 17:18:49 -0700
    This sucks Kelley I am so sorry…Mike’s insurance kicked me off last year too and the plan the state gave me has such an enormous deductible – well suffice to say it’s not making it easy to see a doctor for regular things since I end up having to pay for it all myself. Plus Mike was a healer in his own right, I relied on him for so much…not having him around when things go wrong like that is terrifying. I have some health things I’ve been going through too. Gathering the courage to write about it myself. Thank you for cracking the door open, and I will be thinking of you. xoxo
  • commented 2015-06-27 06:51:29 -0700
    My anchor. My husband. My world. Kelley, I totally get this. My husband was my rock and could always keep me calm. I miss that so much! You are so right when you say it was much easier with the two of us making our way thru life together. I have not been feeling well the last few days – the first time since my husband died – which has just triggered a whole new set of emotions for me. It is scary and lonely! I hope you get some answers regarding your own health concerns. So glad you were able to find a doc willing to help you out. Take care, Jane
  • commented 2015-06-27 00:03:03 -0700
    Kelly I hope everything turns out okay for you. Coming from the UK where health care is free at point of use the fact you can not get basic healthcare in the U.S. A country which leads the world in so many things is beyond belief
  • commented 2015-06-26 22:25:22 -0700
    Hmm Pat I dont think so, but Im not sure. How would I find out if my apartment building is causing issues? thank you everyone for the kind words. It sucks and its scary. And now I have freakin Jury Duty starting Monday. Fun fun fun …………..
  • commented 2015-06-26 21:44:14 -0700
    Oh hon this sucks. I’m so glad this doctor is seeing you for free and helping you find answers but sorry to hear you’ve got so much on your plate x
  • commented 2015-06-26 21:11:59 -0700
    Oh, Kelley,

    I am so sorry – sorry for all the physical crap you are going through, sorry for your struggles with no health insurance, sorry for having to worry about the blood results, and mostly sorry for the loss of your anchor, your Beloved Don. You have had more than your share of heartache and worry and lack of resources and dammit, you just don’t deserve to have to have it all piled on, on top of the grieving for your Anchor. I am keeping a most hopeful vigil for you for the blood work to be okay, and for your life to have some much needed relief and ease. sending you boatloads of warm hugs along with…

    much love,

    Karen
  • commented 2015-06-26 16:53:40 -0700
    Kelley Lynn, did the symptoms with your legs or the excema coincide with moving to your current apartment? Sometime people are predisposed to have unusual constellations of symptoms from exposure to the “soup” of airborne particulates, bacteria, etc., found in water damaged buildings. Your “heavy legs” symptom is one I get when exposed to certain mold neurotoxins. Pat

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