Always and Never

Today is one of those days that I have no idea what to write about. Not because I have nothing left to say about my husband or us or my grief. That isn't ever the reason. No. It's because sometimes, there are literally no words that exist , to properly explain the depths to which I miss him. Sometimes, I just get tired of saying "I miss him." It doesn't feel like enough, and I hate the repetitiveness of it. It is soooo much more than just missing him. But there are days, like now, where Im just too tired to go into all of that. So, I miss him. Yes. Always. And I will never be able to find words that are big enough to express what this type of loss does to a person. How it immensely changes every single cell inside a person. It is impossible to explain this to anyone, yet it is always there, like oxygen. 

It is impossible to explain how watching The NY Mets win the NLCS last night, and watching them celebrate on the Dodgers home field, made me instantly burst into tears. The Mets arent even my team! Im a Yankees fan. My husband was a Yankees fan. So why? Why did THAT make me cry so hard? I guess it's just because it is yet one more thing that I will never share with my husband. One more event I will never hear his take on. One more thing we can't have a conversation about together. 

It is impossible to explain why, even after four years, other people's wedding anniversaries still get to me and make me feel pain and hurt and, yes, jealousy. It is impossible to explain to others the sheer slicing feeling that travels through my heart whenever another friend on Facebook posts about their wedding anniversary. Today I read one that, in part, said: "I don't know what I would do without you." And here I sit, still not knowing everyday, what I will do without him. Here I sit, living my life and listening to people tell me how "strong" I am, when the truth is I do not have a choice in any of this. I HAVE to live without him. I did not ask for this nor want this, and part of me still fights it everyday. But how do I do it? I just do. There is really no other option. 

Im not even sure what the point of this post is today, other than the fact that it's Friday and it's my day to write in here. I suppose maybe I just want people to know that this always hurts - that it never goes away. I want people to know that just because it's been a bit over four years, and most of the time, I am better than okay and I now have come to a place where my life has more joy than pain - that does NOT mean that the pain has gone away. It does not mean that I don't still miss my husband with every cell in my body. Because I do. I always, always do. I suppose I have become better at figuring out how to live a joyful life and still miss him terribly at the same time. It is absolutely possible to feel a new type of happiness, while still always feeling his death wrapped inside of that happiness. It is always there for me. It never goes away. What has happened, and is happening, is that I am slowly learning how to rebuild a life for myself, around the grief. It's like a never-ending math equation where there are no subtractions, only addition. Adding joy or love or new memories or new friends or anything, does not nor will it EVER subtract or erase my husband out of my life. He remains a part of everything that I experience, going forward. Always. And while I have learned to love my life again, I still simultaneously hold a piece of my soul that is reserved for longing for that other life - the one I never got to live with him. 

Always and never. The only two constants of grief. 

I will always love and miss my husband, and it will never be okay with me that he died. Not ever. 

Life is still here, and life is still beautiful, and my husband will still always be dead. 

All of these things are true, at the exact same time. And I suppose it will always be this complicated. 


Showing 11 reactions

Please check your e-mail for a link to activate your account.
  • commented 2015-10-18 07:23:42 -0700
    Yes, Carolyn, you can quote me or share my words (I posted the link to this blog on my Facebook so you can share that if you want, or click share from this site), and yes, I would appreciate giving me credit for my words. As long as you do that, you definitely have my permission. One time I found a meme being passed around with MY quote on it and it didnt say who wrote it , and it really annoyed me because I have no idea who created it without putting my name on it. Thats just rude. Anyway, love you all!!!!
  • commented 2015-10-18 07:20:27 -0700
    I really wish I could respond to individual peoples posts one by one on here the way I could on the old site. I never know how to reply all at once to everyones comments so I end up leaving a general one which seems lame. I just appreciate all of you so much who comment on these blog pieces, please know that. We writers LOVE comments. They are PROOF that someone is listening and that we arent just talking to a wall. lol. So thank you!!!!
  • commented 2015-10-17 06:53:44 -0700
    Wow, thanks for having no idea what to write about! It was perfect! It’s been a little over a year for me now since my husband died and I knew quite early on that my life had changed forever, that I was never going to be the same again and I was never going to stop missing Gary. But despite that I knew I would eventually have a life I would enjoy, that I should enjoy and that I deserved to enjoy. I wasn’t there yet but that thought gave me hope and now I can say I have many joyful moments in my life…..but oh I miss my husband so much. I went to a movie with my sister last night and as the trailers of upcoming movies were showing I kept thinking of Gary – which ones he would look forward to seeing. Our election here in Canada is on Monday and I miss hearing his views on the candidates. Donald Trump’s run for the Republican leadership – I almost laugh knowing what he would say about that. I can’t tell him the latest funny thing our quirky 10 year old grandson said. And the list goes on and on. Such a wonderful post Kelly. Thank you.
  • commented 2015-10-16 23:37:23 -0700
    Exactly, Lisa. Exactly!
  • commented 2015-10-16 23:16:22 -0700
    It’s been a little over 4 years for me too. Just today I was thinking about how totally alone I feel even with new friends and new endeavors in my life. If someone asked me to explain that, I’m not sure I could. Saying I miss him just doesn’t capture it. I’m so glad everyone here “gets it” because the rest of the world just doesn’t.
  • commented 2015-10-16 22:56:18 -0700
    Even when you don’t know the point of your post, there is a point, Kelley. You talked about not being able to share the Mets win last night with Don. I so get that – Canada has a federal election on Monday. Brian wa a political junkie and would have been completely immersed in the current political machinations. I won’t be sharing that with him this year, but I will be watching and wishing for his analysis of the process and the results. Sigh. Even in the midst of the wonderful things occurring in my life, I get so very tired of missing him.
  • commented 2015-10-16 21:38:12 -0700
    “What has happened, and is happening, is that I am slowly learning how to rebuild a life for myself, around the grief. It’s like a never-ending math equation where there are no subtractions, only addition. Adding joy or love or new memories or new friends or anything, does not nor will it EVER subtract or erase my husband out of my life. He remains a part of everything that I experience, going forward. Always. And while I have learned to love my life again, I still simultaneously hold a piece of my soul that is reserved for longing for that other life – the one I never got to live with him.” 
    BEST QUOTE EVER. I have been trying to explain this to a few people in my life and don’t ever feel I can get it across correctly. A new friend, a new love, a new house does not replace or ERASE. It adds to my life but my husband is never erased from it. Sometimes it is hard to integrate those two lives. But this quote here Kelley helps me so much. I hope I can use this quote sometime to help me “explain” this to some Muggles (non widows) in my life. I will always credit you as the writer if I do and if you give me permission.
  • commented 2015-10-16 18:59:37 -0700
    Oh Kelley, your post really hit home for me. Today marks the 3rd month without my Greg, he too died suddenly of a cardiac event and was only 49. I too miss him so much I can’t explain it. I was struck by your reaction to the Mets/Dodgers game. I was watching the Cubs/Cardinals game on Tuesday evening when the Cubs won and I started to cry because Greg wasn’t here, he was a Cardinal fan and I the Cub fan and he always gave me grief about my beloved Cubs, but he wasn’t here for me to harass and I just lost it. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not crazy and that others have been there.
  • commented 2015-10-16 15:00:50 -0700
    This is exactly what I needed today, those days when you just don’t know what to say. I so miss my husband Bob tomorrow is his birthday and for some reason I just don’t feel like talking about anything today. What gives me peace is that I am not alone and my widow family does understand.
  • commented 2015-10-16 13:48:21 -0700
    This is beautiful, I love this. I don’t know why but it brought tears to my eyes. Thanks Kelley
  • commented 2015-10-16 11:15:03 -0700
    “Always and never” so true. Such a great wording for our grief.

Blog Search:

Authors:

Tags:

Donate Volunteer Membership