Ahhh...Life....

I ain’t crazy, like I was beginning to think, and like I so often feel.  I’m just in a new world.  I’m searching for meaning, striving to stitch a new life for myself, stitch my heart and soul into the whole of the Love that he left behind for me.  That’s huge but not in the scheme of time and the Universe....right?  It just feels insurmountable. That doesn’t mean it is insurmountable.

There are no markers for this, are there? How to do this grief. How to find our feet after our special one dies. How to find passion for life again. How to find the energy to do life.

Our loved one dies and there is grief about that, most definitely. Deep devastation has invaded my body in a way that is vastly unfamiliar to me, even having experienced numerous deaths in my life. This is so much more, though, than those deaths. My brother, my mom, close relatives, my dad...take those and add the power of the bombs of Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and throw in a whole lot more and it might begin to show the landscape of what this new world is.

We often hear that no grief is grieved of itself; the other people who have died in our lives jump in the coffin with our latest loss. True story, but here’s the thing...

Who I used to be, the woman I was...she’s in that coffin too. The cardboard box that held Chuck’s body, also held me in its’ confines.  Chuck, me, the life we had together...all of it went up in flames when he was cremated.  And I don’t say that in a hopeless manner, but as a simple acknowledgement of the facts.  The woman I was with Chuck for those 24 years, was cremated that day also, and I don’t begin to know the woman who walked out of the mortuary.  Who is this woman now, inhabiting my body?  I am totally unfamiliar to my own self, and that’s disconcerting and unsettling.  Not bad, but very unsettling and I’m grieving her demise as much as my husband’s.  I liked the woman I was with him. I loved that woman.  She was joyous and free-spirited and seized every moment and never took those moments for granted, and she felt so loved.  But she’s gone forever, as much as Chuck is.

This new life is a lonely one and I crave the hugs he gave me, and knowing he had my back, and I crave his kisses.  But that life is sooo gone, and it’s up to me to do this new life.  And I need tools to help me do it.  Hence, the counseling, and the herbal supplements, and my newest; adding EMDR to the menu.  Mostly, I’m going to continue reaching out to my widowed community. You make a world of difference to me, and for me.

I ain’t crazy, like I was beginning to think, and like I so often feel.  I’m just in a new world.  I’m searching for meaning, striving to stitch a new life for myself, stitch my heart and soul into the whole of the Love that he left behind for me.  That’s huge but not in the scheme of time and the Universe....right?  It just feels insurmountable.  That doesn’t mean it is insurmountable.

#Currentlyfiguringthisshitout  #findmeinthecrazyhouse


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  • commented 2016-01-14 20:23:33 -0800
    My therapist said that I need to find my new normal. What is normal? When you live with a mentally ill person for years, your normal does not even exist much less knowing how to find a new normal. My husband thought that everyone would be better off without him. How could that be true when so many people loved him and wanted to help him. Some people close to him did not take his threats seriously. They said it was selfish what he did. I do not think so. He thought that the world would be better off without him. He was wrong. I miss him and grieve for him every day of my life since this happened. I regret not showing him how much I loved him and how much he would be missed. What could I have done to help him. I wish I knew, This has become an epidemic. People taking their own life because they do not feel loved and cherished and valued for who they are. I do blame myself. I only wish I could have known how he felt and how I could how shown him how much I loved him and cared about his well being. I was so wrapped up in my own life that I did not take the time and make the effort to make him feel valued and loved. Please don’t make the same mistake that I did. If you know someone thinking about suicide, put your life on hold and help them realize how much they mean to you and how much they are loved and will be missed, I have to live with this everyday of my life. Do not let this happen to someone you love.
  • commented 2016-01-13 23:46:18 -0800
    Thank you for saying all this. The woman I am today is a far cry from who I was. I miss her too. This widowed community we have helps take the bits and pieces of me that are scattered around and hold them together somehow. I guess it took a lot of years to become the person I was. I can’t expect to have the newer me complete in any less time. I guess I’ll just have to be content to be a work in progress.
  • commented 2016-01-13 21:38:14 -0800
    I’m in the coffin too – I know what you mean. The me I knew died with Brian. I didn’t want to live. The pain isn’t so raw now 19 months later, but I still don’t know who I am in this after life although I’m slowly figuring things out. Thank you for you eloquent post.
  • commented 2016-01-13 02:32:40 -0800
    I totally get the idea that I have to get to know the person who has survived this loss. I am a new woman, sad, lonely, heartbroken…but also finding my strength I didn’t know I had. I appreciate your posts Alison, because they make me feel your loss and also your own strength. We are a community, we widowed people. I am grateful for you, and all of us.

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