When I sit down to write I allow myself to be honest and have emotions that I normally hold in come out. That’s no different this week, but I have decided to bring some light this time. I had a normal week four kids, work, and doctors’ appointments. I have my break downs that happen out of nowhere still. The weirdest things will trigger them. I cry it out and keep moving. But I also had a really good week. I laughed with my family, I watched videos of Joey with the kids and we all just smiled and talked about him. I went to a concert with friends and sang my heart out.
I look back at what a life I had, so secure (or so I thought). And now I have this life that is so uncertain I have no idea where I will be a year from now. I am honestly faking the calmness, my head is chaos. Half the time I am completely terrified. I always worry what if I fail, I can’t fail these kids. I have to come out on top for them. I have to succeed for myself and for Joey.
All this stress and I still smile. That’s the key. That’s the thing to always remember. This is a hard and terrible journey but you have two choices. One, give in to the anger and darkness, allow it to consume you. Allow it to take what’s left of your life away and just exist here until you take your last breath. Or option two, live! It’s so hard to, I know. You can’t, you won’t, you don’t want to without them. But guess what you are here and you get to keep breathing, you get to feel the sun on your skin another day. Feel it.
So yes through all the dark days, through all the grief and anger, I choose to smile. I miss my husband with every breath I take. I still get taken back at times at the idea that this is so permanent. I believe I will always have a hole in my heart longing for him. But I get to be here so I am going to enjoy it even in the rain.
Cry, cry everyday but smile at least once. Find a blessing in something or someone, even if it’s a stranger. Look at the trees, feel the wind, be a part of something good. Do something for yourself, do something that you have always wanted to do. Just live! This world is beautiful and we are still here for a reason. Don’t waste it.