Marissa Hutton commented on To Know Grief is to Know Love 2017-12-14 14:58:19 -0800Absolutely! I was 45 when my husband died and I just turned 50 in May. We were married for “only” 20 years but it’s still better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
Marissa Hutton commented on As this Odyssey of Love Expands~ 2017-12-14 14:54:16 -0800#SayTheirName Bernardo, Sr.
Marissa Hutton commented on Damn the Torpedoes 2017-10-24 19:52:01 -0700Damn the torpedoes, indeed! Beautifully written!
Marissa Hutton commented on Summer Is Winding Down 2017-09-05 10:41:44 -0700Exactly right! Our youngest turned 25 on the 3rd and this is his 6th birthday without his dad, who died in June of 2012. All of our sons are getting married, having more kids and doing all the routine things that kids do when they mature into adulthood but my husband isn’t here to share all these things with me and them.
Life goes on and while he will always be with us in spirit, I would prefer to have him here cancer free in the flesh to share these milestones and quiet nights.
Marissa Hutton commented on No One To Zip Me Up 2017-08-14 15:27:30 -0700Like Lisa, I wish I had the courage to go to camp but I haven’t been able to build that up in me yet. It’s only an hour plane ride for me but San Diego is a trigger city for me because we spent our second to last birthdays there. My husband had finished chemo but the chest port was still in place just in case it was determined that he would need more chemo.
I’m also not really good at being places where I know no one, even if it’s the safest place to be because we’re all part of the same “club.”
I’m not big into shopping, either. My husband bought most of my clothes because he knew what he liked to see me in and he had really good taste. I bought my own sweats and jeans, though, because I’m most comfortable in those anyway. 😊 Now, when I shop, I automatically look for the placement of the zippers and buttons. I despise the fact that I have to try stuff on first not to see if it fits, but to see if I can zip it up by myself without sweating profusely! I’m just so put out that I even have to factor that into the equation.
I’ve also taken to YouTube to figure out how to put a bracelet on by myself. I use a paper clip or I’ll tape one part of the bracelet to my wrist and then fasten it but even though that works, I’m then angry that I have to waste a piece of tape because I have no one to fasten my bracelet anymore.
I hope you have a great time at Camp Widow and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get up the courage to go next year based upon your insight. 😊
Marissa Hutton commented on Maybe I'll Get A Cat 2017-08-02 17:09:42 -0700I’m a little tardy reading this but Wendy, you are spot on! It’s been 5 years since my husband died and the silence is still deafening sometimes. I’m trying to buy a house again and if I’m able, I’m definitely getting a cat and maybe a dog but they have to be compatible or one of my dons will have a new dog. 😊
Joseph, it’s entirely too soon for you to be “over” talking about your wife. If I remember correctly from your other comments, it hasn’t even been 90 days! I believe your wife died the same day I celebrated my 25th birthday (for the 25th time).
Wendy is right. Don’t ever apologize and if folks are uncomfortable with your grief, too bad! Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. Glad you found a group where you feel comfortable. You need a safe place and place to talk about Karen. Take your time getting back into the dating world. I’m still not sure I’m ready to meet my Chapter 2 but I need some adult company of a good friend because my sons are a little tired of hanging out with me and there are just some topics I don’t want to discuss with them because even though they’re men, there are certain things and experiences I don’t think they could identify with. They’ll get there one day with their wives’ but for now, I just need a male companion who doesn’t want to be more than just friends. He’s out there somewhere, I’m sure but for now, I’ll get a cat. 😊
Marissa Hutton commented on How to Keep on Loving... 2017-05-01 16:11:56 -0700Is there a website where one may order Drew’s Brew? I’d like to try it and drink to his memory and to the memories of all those we hold in our hearts since we are no longer able to hold their hands.
Marissa Hutton commented on Imagination 2017-03-04 07:55:37 -0800I have to admit, I found Inception very confusing but I watched it with my late husband years before he got sick and died. We were told “You may have to watch it twice to really understand it” but we never got around to doing that and now that I’ve read your post, I don’t want to because this time, he won’t be sitting next to me for the “Aha!” moment of clarity.
I’ve been wishing for almost 5 years to dream of my husband but it rarely happens. When I do, I wake up really fast and cannot get back to the dream. I end up crying myself back into a dreamless sleep. I have other people tell me that they dream about my husband all the time and while I’m happy for them, it sucks for me. He was a rock for many people but I still don’t understand why he comes to them when they’re stressed out and not to me! I try not to let the jealousy take over my thoughts and instead, I try to imagine how he looked in their dreams. I can then feel the calm that they felt and I can adjust a little bit better to what they experienced. Since I’m not dreaming much about my husband, I just use my imagination and live vicariously through the dreams of my family and friends.
Marissa Hutton commented on Needing the Deads' Voice 2017-01-24 11:22:10 -0800Just prepare an escape route just in case the sight, sounds and smells are too much to bear. Prep your friend ahead of time as well. Let her know that you may need to step outside if you become overwhelmed.
My husband had cancer so he spent a fair amount of time in the hospital on two occasions. I know all the shift changes, the cleaning staff schedules and how to reset the IV machine when/if the hose gets a crimp in it. Not that I would touch anything but you get the picture.
Thankfully, the hospitals where he spent the majority of his time have closed (because new hospitals have been built) but the ICU sounds and smells are still the same.
Power through if you really feel like you can but tap out if you need to. I don’t remember who said it (I think it was on this site) but there are no prizes for being the best/strongest widow/we. You must be good to yourself before you may be good for anyone else.
Peace and blessings,
Marissa Hutton commented on Bleeding Out the Pain 2017-01-15 23:26:03 -0800This is year 5 for me as well and to top it all off, we would’ve celebrated out 25th wedding anniversary. I know folks who didn’t get 20 years (yourself included and I do apologize if I’m being whiny) but I’m still angry that we didn’t get there.
I like the idea of just ripping the band aid off and letting myself bleed because that’s one way to journey through this pain. My husband was big on having a 5 year plan and now that I’m coming up on 5 years without him, I’m angry that I still cannot fathom crafting a 5 year plan for my new life. I guess I could say that taking my life one day at a time was my 5 year plan so I kinda sorta shouldn’t feel too bad.
I feel a bit of scream therapy coming up for me in the very near future so I may start to feel lighter and get to the business of crafting my new 5 year plan.
Marissa Hutton commented on This Left-behind Love~ 2017-01-04 23:39:40 -0800That’s a very good question. I don’t have a clue as to what to do with my left behind love. I reminisce about it, I write about it but mostly, I try to keep the ache of missing him at a manageable level so I won’t spend the day curled up in the fetal position and crying my eyes out.
The skin hunger is the worst. I don’t remember who wrote about it years ago but the whole “Rent-A-Human” idea would be awesome if there weren’t so many creepy people in the world or if folks could really just be a companion without having the whole “Friends With Benefits” mentality. Not judging anyone but the FWB lifestyle doesn’t work for me.
Marissa Hutton commented on I have to go home 2016-11-24 09:25:13 -0800So heart wrenching and yes, another form of grief. Big hugs to you and your family.
Marissa Hutton commented on 4 Things to Note about Dating a Widow/er 2016-11-02 22:05:20 -0700Mike, this is hilariously true! I think I’m ready to date again but in my mind, it would have to be a widower because there’s no way any other man will understand.
Marissa Hutton commented on Keep the traditions alive 2016-08-23 14:42:27 -0700I so get this. Even though my sons were all men when their dad died, I do my best to keep the traditions alive. We go camping every year and I wanted to cancel the camping trip in 2012 because I didn’t think my husband would be strong enough to go, what with the cancer taking a toll on his body but he said: “Make the reservations. We’re going camping.”
He died on 6/28 and I kept the camping reservations so that anyone who wanted to camp could still go. We did a novena for him when he died and we did a rosary for him 40 days later at the campsite because as it turns out, that was the week we were supposed to be camping anyway.
We have modified some of our traditions a bit since he died because the guys are starting to get married and have kids of their own but they’re still keeping our traditions alive with their own little twists. My hubby and I knew the day would come when they established their own version of the family traditions but the kids and I thought he’d be here to watch the metamorphosis. I’m glad we at least had the opportunity to establish some traditions and hopefully, they won’t fade away. Nature is truly a happy place where you may hear the calming voice of God.
Marissa Hutton commented on What do You Think? 2016-03-22 12:36:45 -0700Bravo, Mike! I purchased a recliner and a few TVs since my husband passed and while it may not be a big deal to most folks, it is to me because he was the one who put a lot of thought into furniture and electronics while I was just concerned with it fitting in our home and our budget.
The thought of buying stuff without any input from him was daunting at first but now I just do it, then sit back and think “I made a good choice. He would be proud.”
Marissa Hutton commented on One Powerful Word~ 2015-11-11 10:46:02 -0800Ah yes, Alison, the F word is so appropriate most times. Enjoy this: http://youtu.be/FvPbxZmZxZ8
Marissa Hutton commented on Laden with Gold 2015-11-05 08:30:49 -0800Very nicely written. I picture a little Japanese man in my chest filling the cracks in my broken heart with gold and maybe someday, when I’m ready, someone will come along like your musician and love this broken but beautifully repaired heart of mine.
Marissa Hutton commented on Grief Timeline 2015-10-25 09:09:07 -0700Well said, Michele, as usual. Grief expires when you take your last breath but what ends for you is just beginning for those left behind. The pain weakens over time but it’s never fully gone. When the grief seems too much to bear, I listen to “The Dance” by Dave Koz and reflect upon the chorus:
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance
Marissa Hutton commented on Just Be There 2015-10-08 10:05:16 -0700Love this “rant”, Stephanie, and it should be published in a guide book or a rule book somewhere. 😊
I’m in the process of becoming a grief minister and you have stated some of the same points that are part of the training. We’re not trying to “fix” anyone or tell them to get over it, we’re trying to give folks a safe place to grieve and process their feelings. It’s run by a Catholic priest but he’s quick to state that ALL are welcome regardless of religious affiliation, sexual orientation or type of loss (all illnesses, suicide, murder, whatever). A loss is a loss, no matter who you are or how your person died. We all need to “Just be there” and help one another along this journey.
Marissa Hutton commented on Parallels & Pushing On 2015-09-06 13:50:40 -0700What’s meant to be will always find a way. The stars are aligning once again for you so don’t ignore the push. 😊 Peace and blessings be with you always.