Marissa Hutton

  • commented on How to Keep on Loving... 2017-05-01 16:11:56 -0700
    Is there a website where one may order Drew’s Brew? I’d like to try it and drink to his memory and to the memories of all those we hold in our hearts since we are no longer able to hold their hands.

  • commented on Imagination 2017-03-04 07:55:37 -0800
    I have to admit, I found Inception very confusing but I watched it with my late husband years before he got sick and died. We were told “You may have to watch it twice to really understand it” but we never got around to doing that and now that I’ve read your post, I don’t want to because this time, he won’t be sitting next to me for the “Aha!” moment of clarity.

    I’ve been wishing for almost 5 years to dream of my husband but it rarely happens. When I do, I wake up really fast and cannot get back to the dream. I end up crying myself back into a dreamless sleep. I have other people tell me that they dream about my husband all the time and while I’m happy for them, it sucks for me. He was a rock for many people but I still don’t understand why he comes to them when they’re stressed out and not to me! I try not to let the jealousy take over my thoughts and instead, I try to imagine how he looked in their dreams. I can then feel the calm that they felt and I can adjust a little bit better to what they experienced. Since I’m not dreaming much about my husband, I just use my imagination and live vicariously through the dreams of my family and friends.

  • commented on Needing the Deads' Voice 2017-01-24 11:22:10 -0800
    Just prepare an escape route just in case the sight, sounds and smells are too much to bear. Prep your friend ahead of time as well. Let her know that you may need to step outside if you become overwhelmed.

    My husband had cancer so he spent a fair amount of time in the hospital on two occasions. I know all the shift changes, the cleaning staff schedules and how to reset the IV machine when/if the hose gets a crimp in it. Not that I would touch anything but you get the picture.

    Thankfully, the hospitals where he spent the majority of his time have closed (because new hospitals have been built) but the ICU sounds and smells are still the same.

    Power through if you really feel like you can but tap out if you need to. I don’t remember who said it (I think it was on this site) but there are no prizes for being the best/strongest widow/we. You must be good to yourself before you may be good for anyone else.

    Peace and blessings,


  • commented on Bleeding Out the Pain 2017-01-15 23:26:03 -0800
    This is year 5 for me as well and to top it all off, we would’ve celebrated out 25th wedding anniversary. I know folks who didn’t get 20 years (yourself included and I do apologize if I’m being whiny) but I’m still angry that we didn’t get there.

    I like the idea of just ripping the band aid off and letting myself bleed because that’s one way to journey through this pain. My husband was big on having a 5 year plan and now that I’m coming up on 5 years without him, I’m angry that I still cannot fathom crafting a 5 year plan for my new life. I guess I could say that taking my life one day at a time was my 5 year plan so I kinda sorta shouldn’t feel too bad.

    I feel a bit of scream therapy coming up for me in the very near future so I may start to feel lighter and get to the business of crafting my new 5 year plan.

  • commented on This Left-behind Love~ 2017-01-04 23:39:40 -0800
    That’s a very good question. I don’t have a clue as to what to do with my left behind love. I reminisce about it, I write about it but mostly, I try to keep the ache of missing him at a manageable level so I won’t spend the day curled up in the fetal position and crying my eyes out.

    The skin hunger is the worst. I don’t remember who wrote about it years ago but the whole “Rent-A-Human” idea would be awesome if there weren’t so many creepy people in the world or if folks could really just be a companion without having the whole “Friends With Benefits” mentality. Not judging anyone but the FWB lifestyle doesn’t work for me.

  • commented on I have to go home 2016-11-24 09:25:13 -0800
    So heart wrenching and yes, another form of grief. Big hugs to you and your family.

  • commented on 4 Things to Note about Dating a Widow/er 2016-11-02 22:05:20 -0700
    Mike, this is hilariously true! I think I’m ready to date again but in my mind, it would have to be a widower because there’s no way any other man will understand.

  • commented on Keep the traditions alive 2016-08-23 14:42:27 -0700
    I so get this. Even though my sons were all men when their dad died, I do my best to keep the traditions alive. We go camping every year and I wanted to cancel the camping trip in 2012 because I didn’t think my husband would be strong enough to go, what with the cancer taking a toll on his body but he said: “Make the reservations. We’re going camping.”

    He died on 6/28 and I kept the camping reservations so that anyone who wanted to camp could still go. We did a novena for him when he died and we did a rosary for him 40 days later at the campsite because as it turns out, that was the week we were supposed to be camping anyway.

    We have modified some of our traditions a bit since he died because the guys are starting to get married and have kids of their own but they’re still keeping our traditions alive with their own little twists. My hubby and I knew the day would come when they established their own version of the family traditions but the kids and I thought he’d be here to watch the metamorphosis. I’m glad we at least had the opportunity to establish some traditions and hopefully, they won’t fade away. Nature is truly a happy place where you may hear the calming voice of God.

  • commented on What do You Think? 2016-03-22 12:36:45 -0700
    Bravo, Mike! I purchased a recliner and a few TVs since my husband passed and while it may not be a big deal to most folks, it is to me because he was the one who put a lot of thought into furniture and electronics while I was just concerned with it fitting in our home and our budget.

    The thought of buying stuff without any input from him was daunting at first but now I just do it, then sit back and think “I made a good choice. He would be proud.”

  • commented on One Powerful Word~ 2015-11-11 10:46:02 -0800
    Ah yes, Alison, the F word is so appropriate most times. Enjoy this:

  • commented on Laden with Gold 2015-11-05 08:30:49 -0800
    Very nicely written. I picture a little Japanese man in my chest filling the cracks in my broken heart with gold and maybe someday, when I’m ready, someone will come along like your musician and love this broken but beautifully repaired heart of mine.

  • commented on Grief Timeline 2015-10-25 09:09:07 -0700
    Well said, Michele, as usual. Grief expires when you take your last breath but what ends for you is just beginning for those left behind. The pain weakens over time but it’s never fully gone. When the grief seems too much to bear, I listen to “The Dance” by Dave Koz and reflect upon the chorus:

    And now I’m glad I didn’t know
    The way it all would end, the way it all would go
    Our lives are better left to chance
    I could have missed the pain
    But I’d have had to miss the dance

  • commented on Just Be There 2015-10-08 10:05:16 -0700
    Love this “rant”, Stephanie, and it should be published in a guide book or a rule book somewhere. 😊
    I’m in the process of becoming a grief minister and you have stated some of the same points that are part of the training. We’re not trying to “fix” anyone or tell them to get over it, we’re trying to give folks a safe place to grieve and process their feelings. It’s run by a Catholic priest but he’s quick to state that ALL are welcome regardless of religious affiliation, sexual orientation or type of loss (all illnesses, suicide, murder, whatever). A loss is a loss, no matter who you are or how your person died. We all need to “Just be there” and help one another along this journey.

  • commented on Parallels & Pushing On 2015-09-06 13:50:40 -0700
    What’s meant to be will always find a way. The stars are aligning once again for you so don’t ignore the push. 😊 Peace and blessings be with you always.

  • commented on What A Ride 2015-08-31 09:54:55 -0700
    Good for you and good luck!

  • commented on What A Man Is 2015-08-28 13:44:10 -0700
    “…unfairness of it all…”

  • commented on Food, My Old Friend 2015-08-14 22:17:24 -0700
    If you haven’t done so already, try putting lemon and/or cucumber slices in your water. That may help you drink more. Try seltzer water as well. Maybe you can fool your brain into thinking it’s more than just water with bubbles. Some of the sparkling mineral waters taste like Alka Seltzer to me and some even have added sodium for taste so stay away from those.

    Good luck and I’m rooting for you.

  • commented on We Have a Widow's Voice Baby! 2015-08-11 07:44:51 -0700
    Congratulations, Kerryl! Peace and blessings be with you always!

  • commented on Fragments and Words~ 2015-08-05 10:08:42 -0700
    Yes, Alison, I’m exhausted and I have run out of words. At 3 years 1month and 8 days, I wish I could make my brain stop counting the time I’ve been without my hubby’s physical presence. I also wish for a really good guy friend to keep me company, to go places with me and to snuggle with but without the desire to date or be a FWB. I believe I saw a blog somewhere about a “Human For Rent” and I thought that was the best idea ever but I have no idea where to find a guy like that.

    I get frustrated sometimes when my adult sons or my siblings don’t want or don’t have the time to do things or go places with me but I have to take a step back and remind myself that they’re on their own journey so I shouldn’t get frustrated. I’m trying to keep my life on the track it was before my hubby died but I realize that’s not going to work anymore.
    I try not to take those stress tests because when I get stressed, I try to force myself to relax but then I think about having to take more meds for my blood pressure and that stresses me out more and then…lather, rinse, repeat.

    I’ve come to believe that this grief of mine will be with me until I close my eyes for the last time but little by little, I’m learning to keep it from taking over my entire life. Some days I win and some days I lose but I really am learning to deal with this detour.

  • commented on Decade 2015-08-04 16:50:55 -0700
    Have a safe trip and it’s good that you’re choosing to be happy on your wedding anniversary Remembrance Day.