There I was, at a coffee shop downtown last Wednesday afternoon. I was sitting beside a large window enjoying the rain tapping against the glass as I did some work on my computer, when suddenly my awareness was completely shifted. In that instant, I felt a deep, emptiness that was both piercing and aching at the same time. A screaming hollowness inside me.
What had happened? I overheard a word from one of the two women who sat behind me enjoying lunch together. And that word, was “Mom”.
As I continued to listen in on their conversation, the hole in my heart grew bigger and bigger. The daughter looked to be my age, and here they were, just having an ordinary lunch together. Like this is a thing they do every week. She must have fired off the word “mom” twenty more times as I listened. There was such an ease in their voices. Such a comfortable knowingness of each other. Something I have never experienced as an adult. I teared up, and actually stopped working to grab my journal and write my emotions out….
“I feel it so acutely right now. This hole in me. This lack of security. I wonder if I should go back to counseling. I wonder if I will always have trouble with avoiding things. I wonder if I will always get in my own way, and if somehow all of it is because of this hole. Because of this lack of security deep down in me. I just miss my mom.”
Depression is a tricky thing.
You never really know when it will happen. It just creeps up on you. At least, that’s what it did to me this week.
I miss my wife, but that wasn’t the catalyst this time. Or maybe it was. I’m not sure.
All I know is that I was down. For whatever reason. Unmotivated to do anything.
Existing monotonously to anyone and everyone around me, even myself.
I’ve made attempts to tame the beast, but the beast is me...and me is a person that I’ve never truly been able to control, at least not fully.
I sit in silence most days, hoping my thoughts will break the silence with something profound and inspiring. This week: nothing.
Sometimes, however, nothing is necessary.
It puts in perspective the somethings that exist in your life. That’s not even a profound thought. It’s just an observation.
Perhaps next week will be better.
We will see.
There is so much going on in my head right now. Its hard to think straight.
I forgot to write in here last week.
Im a bad, bad widow.
Im so sorry.
I forgot to write because I was away in Maine, with my new love,
celebrating our 8 month anniversary, and Valentines Day.
It was my first really good Valentines Day since Don died, 6 years ago.
And yes, because Im a widow to sudden death, Im now the type of person who likes to honor
and celebrate my anniversary monthly.
Because who the hell knows which one might be our last.
Who the hell knows when I might wake up one morning,
and he's just not here anymore.
Or maybe Im the one who wont wake up.
This is how my brain works now.
I have these type of thoughts often.
I resent it.
I resent thinking that because Im in Maine and having an awesome time and forgetting for two seconds that Im a widow and that my husband and the life i knew died, that this means I am maybe now somehow OKAY and I dont need to write about my emotions anymore. Im fine. Im over this. Im happy now.
And its dangerous thinking.