*(I am filling in for Mike today, as he had some emergencies at work come up that needed to be taken care of, and couldn't fulfill his widowed blogging duties for today. And as everyone knows, if the widowed person cannot fulfill the widowed duties, another widowed Runner-Up steps in and fulfills those duties for them. So, here I am, and Mike will be back next week with more of his awesome writing.) *
We all have different ways of coping, or not coping, with loss. Some might say that there are healthy ways to grieve, and unhealthy ways. I would agree that there is no right or wrong way, and that what works for one may not work for another - and yes, there are definitely choices people make in the throws of grief, that would be considered very unhealthy. But, when you are in that state of mind, where your world has fallen apart and been stolen from you, nothing feels like a decision. You don't make a choice to start over-drinking or getting into bad relationships or gambling or over-eating or starving yourself or having meaningless sex with too many people or a number of other things. Technically, yes, these are choices. But they do not feel like choices at the time. When you are numb and zoned out and in a constant fog and in massive pain and existing through death and confusion - nothing ever feels like a choice. You just sort of fall into things, and sometimes, it can take years and years to climb your way back out.
For the past 15 years my family and I have taken our vacation to Myrtle Beach, SC. When Joey and I started dating he started coming with us. Over the years of marriage and children it has become our family tradition as well.
Last year we came a month after Joeys passing. I remember very little of the trip. I was constantly faking a smile and trying to hide the tears that were always sitting in the back of my eyes. I would roam around the beach at night just looking for a sign from him. I knew he had to be there with us, I just couldn’t feel him.
The ocean has always been my happy place. I feel like my soul reenergizes there. I can feel God in the breeze, in the sound of the waves. He has always been so close to me there. I remember sitting on the beach last year and telling my sister, I literally can’t hear the ocean right now. She didn’t seem to know what I meant. But I was so numb to life that I felt like I had lost my connection to God, to everything.
This image perfectly sums up my post for today. There are times in our life when our path to somewhere ends, and from that moment on, we have to begin making decisions for another journey. We have to decide to stay on the shore, at the end of that life, or wade out into the unknown and swim toward some unknown future, trusting we will be able to make it to a new and beautiful shore.
Last week I had a really bad day. I don’t know if it was just a buildup of emotions because I’ve been so busy lately, or if hormones were just doing their thing randomly, or I was trying really hard to just not feel some stuff, but wow. I went over to my place to pack some more things to bring over to Mike’s place… and I just lost my shit. I cried, and I cried, and I cried some more. I felt so completely sad to be moving. For a lot of reasons... but mostly, I am figuring out, because I'm feeling thrown back into the currents a bit again. And every time I feel that way, I am reminded that my life is currently a "plan-B". That the path I was on ended one day, and I just had to get out there and swim...