Having lunch with a friend the other day, one who knows me well and knew Mike, I told her: I feel like a completely different person now. Four year later, the only things that remain the same here in Kona are the friends we knew together, my two dogs, and the house I shared with Mike, though its innards are greatly changed now too. And soon, no idea when, the house itself will be gone, and I will be gone from this place altogether.
I just passed the 4-year mark of Chuck’s death. This year blew me to pieces. Every year does, honestly, but this year…wow. I went to work the day after, but lasted for only 2 hours, at which point it seemed like my choices were go home or run screaming from the store. Mentally and emotionally, I was so done. Mostly, I push my way through all of the moments of the days, but this time I decided no, I’m paying attention and I’m giving in to it. So, I went home and crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up and zoned out to nonsense DVDs, though I don’t remember what I watched.
Mind you, when I say went to bed, I’m talking about my little bed in my tiny trailer. I was surrounded by pink, covered in pink, laying on pink sheets with my head on a pink pillow, with pictures of me and Chuck covering most the surfaces. Which is exactly how I want it to be.
Somewhere along the line, in the last few weeks, I decided to really and honestly just let myself be exactly where I am with this grief, with this missingness. I’m tired of fighting and pushing to make me something other than what I am and how I am. Tired of trying to dress life up and make it look pretty to my own eyes.
Today is my son Jacobs 6th birthday. Birthdays are always different now. I do my best to give the kids what they want and celebrate but there's a hole. Someone is missing. How can you celebrate the birth of your child without their daddy. I just don't know if it will ever be the same.
Jacobs 4th birthday was the last one Joey was apart of. I don't know if it hits me harder because of that. But I can just see him standing next to him as he tries to blow his candles out. Jacob couldn't do it and started to get frustrated. And then Joey whispered something to him. And blew the candles out and Joey gave him a pat on the head and walked away. That is the birthday memory I have of Joey with Jacob. His first son and he only saw him to four years old.
It makes no sense to me. I can't imagine only being four and then never having your dad with you anymore.