There are lots of things in my life that haven't happened yet.
Things that are on the verge of happening, hopefully.
Things I am patiently, or impatiently, waiting on.
Things that still need to marinate.
Things that are still in development.
Things that haven't quite been defined.
Things that have no guarantee of happening at all.
Things that I have to choose to have faith in.
Things I am taking a risk on, with my heart.
With my time. With my energy. With my soul.
I've lived in lots of places in my life so far. I was born in Maryland and raised in Arlington, Virginia until I was 6, at which time we moved to nearby McLean. I attended Georgetown University in Washington, DC and lived on campus there, moving each year, in the dorms and residential housing. After college I moved back in with my parents, and then in with my boyfriend in Arlington, and then he and I moved to another house in DC for awhile after that.
It would probably seem torturous to many people. And it is, I suppose. But sometimes I feel so empty, so without Chuck, so numb, so filled with absence, that I seek them out so that I can feel again, right down to my gut, even if the feeling is deep sadness.
Them being videos on youtube of military funerals. With the recent anniversary of the assassination of JFK, I found myself watching a replay of his funeral, gazing steadfastly at the empty saddle of the horse in the forefront of the cortege, boots turned backwards. I stared at Jackie Kennedy, the dramatic black veil covering her to her shoulders. Felt my heart break when John John saluted at the prompting of his mom.